Funny Joke of the day

Discussion in 'Blazers OT Forum' started by Mediocre Man, Aug 29, 2019.

  1. PDXFonz

    PDXFonz I’m listening

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    The old five finger discount? Oh, wait.....
     
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  2. Lanny

    Lanny Original Season Ticket Holder "Mr. Big Shot"

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    Laid siege to the store first?
     
  3. barfo

    barfo triggered obsessive commie pinko Staff Member Global Moderator

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    Buy hook or by crook...

    barfo
     
  4. Mediocre Man

    Mediocre Man Mr. SportsTwo

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    My boss asked me where I see myself this year,

    I told him I have no idea because I can't see 2020
     
  5. Propagandist

    Propagandist Well-Known Member

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  6. Dougnsalem

    Dougnsalem not barf

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    Did you guys know that the tooth brush was created in Texas?

    Well, obviously. Had it originated anywhere else, it would have been named a "teeth brush".......
     
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  7. Lanny

    Lanny Original Season Ticket Holder "Mr. Big Shot"

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    You could've said either Tennessee or Kentucky or even West Virginia.
     
  8. yankeesince59

    yankeesince59 "Oh Captain, my Captain".

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    You can really insert any state you choose to.

    It's kinda like college football jokes...for example.

    This big goofy UGA lineman goes in for his first physical and the doctor tells him, "Son, I'm gonna need to take a blood sample, a urine sample, a semen sample, and a stool sample."

    The athlete thinks for a second and says, "Gee Doc, can't I just give you my underwear?"
     
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  9. Lanny

    Lanny Original Season Ticket Holder "Mr. Big Shot"

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    So, this guy goes to a whore house and says to the madam "give me the strangest sex I've ever had. Now, I warn you, I've been all over the world and I've had an awful lot of strange sex so you're going to have to make it really unusual."
    The madam says "Well, that's gonna cost you a thousand bucks."
    "Okay, here it is" the man replies.
    The madam directs him to room 7 telling him that's where we have the weirdest sex.
    The man goes in and there's a turkey. Wow, he thinks, well okay and proceeds to have sex with the turkey.
    The next evening the man comes back and says "Last night was really different. Here's another thousand dollars. I want something sexual that's really strange again."
    The woman sends him to room 8. He opens the door and it's dark in there. There are a bunch of men in there obviously watching a one way mirror where a man is having sex with a sheep not knowing several men are watching him.
    After the show ends the man turns to another voyeur and says "Wow, that was really strange" The other voyeur replies "Oh, that was nothing, you should've been here last night when a man had sex with a turkey."
     
  10. Shaboid

    Shaboid Well-Known Member

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    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

    "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

    Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

    "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
     
  11. Lanny

    Lanny Original Season Ticket Holder "Mr. Big Shot"

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    So, this guy is pronounced dead by a doctor.
    The day of the funeral it's bitter cold and there's black ice everwhere.
    As the pall bearers are carrying the coffin down some outdoor stairs to the waiting Hearse to take him to the burial site, suddenly two of the pall bearers slip and let go of their grip on the casket.
    The coffin falls and slides down the stairs, across the street and into a pharmacy.
    The coffin is now unbelievably right in front of the pharmacy counter.
    Suddenly the lid pops open and the dead man sits up somehow miraculously revived.
    The dead man clears his throat and says to the pharmacist "Hey, you got anything that'll stop this coffin?" Har har har har
     
  12. yankeesince59

    yankeesince59 "Oh Captain, my Captain".

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  13. PtldPlatypus

    PtldPlatypus Let's go Baby Blazers! Staff Member Global Moderator Moderator

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    Wife: "How would you describe me?"
    Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
    Wife: "What does that mean?"
    Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
    Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
    Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
     
  14. TorturedBlazerFan

    TorturedBlazerFan Well-Known Member

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    Well thanks now I know another way to get in trouble with my wife.
     
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  15. PtldPlatypus

    PtldPlatypus Let's go Baby Blazers! Staff Member Global Moderator Moderator

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    After 21 years, I'm a triple PhD in that discipline.
     
  16. Chris Craig

    Chris Craig (Blazersland) I'm Your Huckleberry Staff Member Global Moderator Moderator

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    Just told my wife.
     
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  17. Shaboid

    Shaboid Well-Known Member

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    Rule of 7?
     
  18. Lanny

    Lanny Original Season Ticket Holder "Mr. Big Shot"

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    Why? I'll tell you why. Because you learned from me.
    Right now it's honey bunny but before the night falls it will be "You sleep in the other room." Why? My guess is that I'll never know but according to her I should know. It'll take me a lot of sweet talking to get back in my bedroom, but, like always, I'm up to the task.
    There's gonna be a lot of "yes, dear(s)" and "I'm sorry dear(s)."
    Men, take my advice. Liberally say "Did you lose weight?" and "That dress makes you look younger." Don't forget "Did you do something new to your hair?" Use "Yes, dear" like your life depended on it.
    That is all.
    Over and out.
     
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  19. SlyPokerDog

    SlyPokerDog Woof! Staff Member Administrator

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    A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

    So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

    They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

    After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.

    His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

    She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been fishing again!!!”
     
  20. Shaboid

    Shaboid Well-Known Member

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    A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. i'll explain later."

    The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

    The nun replied, "He went that way."

    After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

    The nun said, "I understand completely."

    The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

    The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."
     

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