Empire: The Top 10 Bathroom Scenes

¹²³ · Dec 4, 2009

I will make life easier for everyone and post everything here so you don't have to click 10 times to see the whole list.

10 - The Bog Bang
Lethal Weapon II (1989)
Booby-trapped toilet time - one false blow and your plums are orbiting Jupiter. In the seat: the long-suffering Murtaugh (Danny Glover). Holding his hand: Riggs (Mel Gibson), risking life and mullet for his buddy. Granted, the scene marks the exact moment the Lethal Weapon series jumps the shark, but it's by far its stupidest bromance interlude, trousers round ankles and all. Somehow, they both jump to safety, friendship (and sphincters) intact. Still, what next? Electrocuted urinals? Actually, anybody got the number for Dragon's Den...?
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9 - Mirror Mutation
The Fly (1986)
We all have our moments of introspection in the bathroom mirror, but next time you're stressing over your nostrils, just be grateful they're not actually falling off. Great scene, this, with David Cronenberg using a stark bathroom setting as the perfect, clinical point for Jeff Goldblum to log his disintegration from finger-peeling scientist to drop-vomit BrundleFly. The denial's all in the details - check out the cabinet, with its build-your-own-Brundle jars of ears, toes and (oh dear) winkybits.
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8 - He's Alive!
Les Diaboliques (1955)
One of cinema's all-time great shock finales (spoiler horn!) and so wickedly twisted, the credits asked audiences to keep schtum. It is, by reputation, Henri-George Clouzot's Psycho (he beat Hitch to the book rights by hours), with Vera Clouzot cardiac-arresting as she watches her drowned husband peel off his eyeballs and rise from the tub. Robert Zemeckis loved it so much he copied it - see What Lies Beneath's ominously drippy ensuite. Or, better still, Adrian Lyne's take in Fatal Attraction's back-from-the-bath finale.
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7 - Bubble Trouble
The Big Lebowksi (1998)
Three nihilists, a bath, The Dude and a ferret = credit-crunch Jacuzzi... The Big Lebowski's scene of gloriously random amphibious rodent abuse serves no perceivable narrative purpose other than the splendid spectacle of the otherwise unflappable Dude being savaged by a ferociously fanged mop. The end crawl assures us no marmots were harmed during filming. Sadly, no such assurances on Jeff Bridges' undercarriage. Bathtime at the Coens' must be a laugh-a-minute...
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6 - Down The Rabbit Bowl...
Trainspotting (1996)
Also topping the list of scenes You'd Least Like To Watch While Eating Your Tea, Ewan McGregor's impression of a Toilet Duck arrives two scenes in and slams down Trainspotting's dual tone - filthy reality meets junkie fantasy. So, in pursuit of that elusive opium suppository, McGregor plunges down The Worst Toilet In Scotland... and dives into a totally tropical Lilt advert. Not particularly reassuring fact: the fake poo was made of chocolate.
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5 - Sight For Saw Eyes
Scarface (1983)
Hitchcock fanboy Brian De Palma shoots his own tender, low-key Psycho homage - showers and chainsaws together at last! As expected, the invincible Tony Montana laughs fully in the face of unsupervised use of lumberjack equipment, but respect to the Columbians - not only do they keep the chainsaw in a dainty velvet-lined case; they're clearly so fed up with the mess afterwards, it's strictly shower-use only. No need to clean - just chop and go!
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4 - Yee-Ouch!
There's Something About Mary (1998)
The horror... Ben Stiller excuses himself for a nervy wee at his prom date's house... and Zips That Which Should Not Be Zipped. Just for extra agony, we get a quick close-up of what looks like swollen bubblegum. And, just for extra-extra agony, everyone (Mum, Dad, date, firemen) comes in 'to help'. As for the payoff as he's stretchered into an ambulance ("We've got a bleeder!!!")? Too Much Information!
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3 - The Royal Wee
The Naked Gun (1988)
It's an entirely reasonable law of lavatorial etiquette that what happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom. Man-moron Frank Drebbin, of course, wouldn't know etiquette if it sat on his face. The scene: a stuffy press conference for the Queen. The schoolboy error: Drebbin nipping out for a toilet break, still fully miked up. The result: public transmission of a frighteningly relentless urinal drum solo. Still, lids off to Leslie Nielsen: even his bladder has perfect comic timing.
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2 - Shock To The Cistern
True Romance (1993)
From Pulp Fiction to Kill Bill Vol. 2, Tarantino's written so many harsh bathroom scenes, you wonder if he was traumatised by a showerhead as a child, but this one's especially lively, and features a genuine movie first - GBH by cistern lid, one of Patricia Arquette's finishing moves to James Gandolfini's hitman. Irresponsible use of complimentary toiletries and a hairspray flambé finish him off. Horrible stuff, of course, but also über-exciting, mainly because Tony Scott films the fight like two rock stars trashing a hotel room.
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1 - Eee! Eee! Eee!
Psycho (1960)
Surprise! Okay, maybe not, but if there's a more influential three minutes of hygiene-gone-bad, we'll eat a flannel. Think it's too familiar? Try YouTubing it - slashed together at a speed that's still disorientating, that 50-cut montage gives you just enough time to process the knife, the curtain, the mouth, the blood, while your mind's eye fills in the gaps. Legend has it Hitchcock turned the taps ice-cold to get a bigger scream out of Janet Leigh. Not true, of course. But bet you 5p he was tempted...
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