Everybody here knows...well at least has at one time talked to....a girl. And yes, your mother counts. What do they all love? To be told to get in the god damned kitchen and make a sandwich! But how, you might ask, can they make such a sandwich for you without a proper recipe? Sure, any idiot can go "Derp derp" and slap some baloney between two slices of Wonderbread. But let's just say this girl you might allegedly know actually cares about you and wants to impress you, but can't keep in her little head the precise recipe for roasted chipotle chicken and brioche panini. She used to have the recipe, but it was on the back of some eviction notice you balled up and threw at her mother in an alcoholic rage. So there she is, crying in the kitchen, in despair because she just can't satisfy you. And let's face it, that shit is really annoying when you are trying to watch the Blazers squander a lead in the fourth quarter to the fucking Jazz again. Well have I got the answer for you! On this Black Friday go to CookbookPeople.com and get a handy-dandy recipe box, recipe binder or best yet the (highly profitable to the company) cookbook software. It's all fine, quality merchandise made in the USA (except the five or six pallets of shit we paid some Chinese kids a few bowls of rice to make). Guaranteed to never shrink or cause rectal cancer. (Some restrictions apply. See End User License Agreement for details.) Best yet, a small portion of every purchase goes to paying for my NBA League Pass, and who can't get behind that? Come on, RipCityTwo.com, every two years I pony up the $14 to re-register the domain, so in a way you all owe me. Next time you use your mom's credit card to subscribe to a porn site, go over to CookbookPeople.com and get something nice for her too. Please. If not for her, and not for me, then for the god damned panini.
Even better, go get the person in your life outsourced Medical Transcription Services! www.prontomedics.com
No good! No good! Those fuckers will just take your money and throw it away on hookers. And they won't invite you, so don't bother asking. Besides, how hard is it to write, "Cowboy up you pussy." That's what my doctor/bartender always says.
I usually charge for sponsored tweets but.... http://twitter.com/#!/thebeaverstate/status/7526972162838528
