Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?" Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven. A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.” As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem." Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
I sent this message to a friend in response to his story about his Lazy Shotgun. I have one of those, well similar. It's a 12 gauge magnum Mossberg pump with a 24" barrel. It's a six shot gun, 5 rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber, but I never have one in the chamber except when I pump one in there. I have had it about 40 years now and it is just plain useless, never has killed a thing. I had it on my previous boat with me while anchored out in the Channel Islands (SoCal) one night when I heard something on deck. I jacked the pump action of that useless gun and headed up on deck. I no more than had started up the companionway when I heard a loud splash on the starboard side. It was really dark and I couldn't make out what it was but I continued to hear some small splashing sounds for a short time. But again that gun proved to be useless, and it is sort of noisy too when you jack that action to chamber a round.
Instead of saying "suck my dick" to someone, I'll say, "Welcome to Dave's Dangling Diner. Tonight's special is the ten-inch, one-eyed trouser trout, smothered in underwear. You'll have to work for the gravy..."
I was walking down the street when I was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on deer corn to hunt deer instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that??? I replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting!
Why are camels called ships of the desert? Because they're filled with Arab semen. Props to Gilbert Gottfried for that gem
I may have posted this in a previous joke thread: What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, did you see his clothes? He has probably spent lots of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Bernie was passing through Kansas City for work, and as nighttime rolled around he read the marquee of the local theater. It read "Hershel the Magnificent Jew", and with such an odd name Bernie decided to take in the show. A few opening acts, and finally to some snappy klezmer (Jewish jazz) Hershel walks on stage in a red bathrobe. The crowd cheers as assistants bring a bench on stage with three walnuts sitting atop. Hershel steps forward, sheds his bathrobe, and there he stands with the biggest schlong Bernie had ever seen. Hershel grabs his masculinity at the base, swings it around like a propeller, and then flings it towards the bench three times in quick secession, BAP BAP BAP, a cloud of walnut shells clear and there Hershel stands in front of three demolished walnuts. The crowd goes crazy. 30 years later Bernie is once again traveling through Kansa City when he sees the same marquee, "Hershel the Magnificent Jew". Of course Bernie decides to see the spectacle again, amazed Hershel is still at it. Same as before, first the opening acts, then Hershel comes out and they bring out a bench, but this time sitting atop are three coconuts. Hershel then performs the same act, BAP, BAP, BAP, the three coconuts are shattered and everyone cheers for Hershel. After the show, Bernie goes back stage to meet Hershel. They meet, Bernie complements Hershel on a great show, then says " I have to ask, I saw you 30 years ago and you smashed walnuts, why did you change to coconuts?" Hershel responds "my eyesight isn't what it used to be."
