Notice From My Cold Dead Hands......

Lifeguard Waits An Hour For Backup Before Jumping In To Save Struggling Swimmer
U.S.
May 27th, 2022 - BabylonBee.com


SAN FERNANDO, CA—A lifeguard at the San Fernando Community Pool reportedly refused to jump in and save a drowning child who was fighting for his life in 6 feet of water because it would constitute risking his life. The lifeguard in question, Peter Stroll, claimed to be following standard lifeguarding procedure.

"Are you kidding? I can't save you right now. I might drown!" said Stroll as he picked up the phone to call for help. "According to the procedure, I will block all access to the pool and call for highly trained Coast Guard rescue divers to arrive."

The child's father attempted to jump into the pool and save his kid but was prevented by the determined lifeguard.

"Sir, I can't let you risk your own life. Let me do my job!" Stroll reportedly said in between whistle blows.

"Then do your job! Save him!" pleaded the parent.

"Sir, please. It's a liability for me to risk my life. Do you know how much the city would have to pay my family? Hundreds of dollars!"

The child was eventually rescued when a group of parents overpowered the masculine lifeguard and braved the dangerous chlorinated waters. Authorities arrived on the scene shortly after to assess the child's health and arrest everyone who tried to save the child.

"This is a pool of law and order!" Sheriff Witherdrew told reporters at the scene. "We can't just have people bypassing our sacred lifeguard institutions to take rescues into their own hands. Millions could be saved! It'd be total anarchy!"

At publishing time, lifeguard Peter Stroll was awarded a key to the city by Mayor Rankowicz for extreme bravery in following procedure to keep the city free of liability.

 

Beto Interrupts Press Conference To Remind Everyone He's A Giant Turd
Politics
May 26th, 2022 - BabylonBee.com

AUSTIN, TX—As leadership in Texas held a press conference to give updates on the tragic school shooting in Uvalde, candidate for governor Beto O'Rourke took the time to drop by and remind everyone he's a giant turd.

"Governor Abbott and people of Texas, my name is Robert Francis, and I am a massive turd," he began. "I am not just a turd but a tool, and a wanker as well! Vote for me this November!"

The bizarre weirdo then began to pass out "VOTE FOR BETO!" campaign literature to the stunned members of the audience.

Several Texas officials angrily stood up and informed O'Rourke that a school shooting press conference was not an appropriate place to remind everyone that he sucks.

"Listen, Beta, we all know you suck, but can we talk about this later? This isn't a good time," said Governor Abbott.

"NO! We shall talk about this RIGHT NOW!" cried O'Rourke, shaking his finger in the air. "The world must know just how much of a steaming pile of crap I am! I will NOT be silent! I'm garbage, I tell you, PURE GARBAGE! And I can do skateboard tricks! Watch!"

O'Rourke then performed a kickflip on a skateboard he had brought with him.

"Wow! A real live turd!" replied several Democrat members of the audience. "Finally, a candidate who tells it like it is!"

At publishing time, O'Rourke's public confrontation cost him dearly among independent voters but increased his popularity by 23% on the Left.

 

If you want to arm yourself and protect your family join the police force or become a security guard .....personally I hope when you do, some hormonal rage filled kid doesn't take your gun and go to school to y'know...."show them" We're the same age.....I'm guessing our guns have never protected our families....and yes...I have guns. Fact is we don't need them and if bad people couldn't get them easily we'd need them even less. I'm a responsible father and husband and grandfather whether I'm armed or not.....I'll defend my family with or without a gun...the gun isn't the insurance....it's the risk

 

You don't know this. You have no idea if he could have gotten in anyway.

Children were being killed before the police were even called. Again you don't know this.

Troubled kids? Mass shooting happen at all ages. Did you happen to forget Las Vegas?
I agree mental health issues must be addressed.

Nobody anywhere made a snide comment except you with your "look scary" and trying to set up people with "Gotcha" pictures of rifles that happen to fired in much of the same way. Buy the way the M1 fires a .30-06 round which is more powerful than the AR15 5.56 round but doesn't have quite the velocity. So they are equally deadly.
Also go back and read again. I said the question is stupid. I at no time said you were stupid.

The only person here talking about sides is you. Children at schools know no sides. They just want to feel safe in school and their parents should feel safe sending them there. This problem is not about right and left. It's about right and wrong. When you start to understand that the conversation can actually start.

 

I feel like size or strength of the bullet discussion seems a little silly to me who, admittedly doesn't know much about guns, because those measures seem like they would matter a lot more when hunting deer and elk, and not 10 year olds.

 

But it seems like that is all he was worried about. He literally posted pictures of the two weapons and asked the question.

 

No No No. Go back and read the thread. I simply said-

Then you went off and started posting pictures of guns and acting like people were just afraid of guns because they were black.

Do you even read the comments you make?

Then you make this statement.

Well that's part of the problem don't you think?

You are not the victim here. The Kids and their families are.

I'm truly sorry background checks and making people accountable for their storage of the guns and ammunition is a hot button issue for you but many of us gun owners feel it's a very important part along with mental awareness and security in schools to curb this growing problem.

 

Annie Oakley was a target shooter. Unlike the sexist movie Annie Got Her Gun, where she throws a match, intentionally losing to a man with whom she had fallen in love, because "you don't get a man with a gun", in real life she won the match, he acknowledged her superior skill, they were married and he became her manager. So far as I know, Annie Oakley never shot a person.

 

I just read a history channel article about her and it was fascinating....she married that guy Frank something and they stayed married for 50 years and died within a few weeks of each other in 1926...She offered to train a women's militia of sharp shooters to help with the war effort but was refused....the thing that baffled me is that she would not stand behind the women's lobby to vote. She won the Wimbledon shooting competition as well...she was an entertainer and according to history one of if not the greatest sharp shooters ever....the competition between her future husband and her he started with 24 of 25 shots perfect...she then shot all 25 ...Sitting Bull adopted her with a Native name that translated as Little Sure Shooter

 

A common outcome of being armed and a publicly proficient shooter.

It's literally the sole reason America has never been invaded.

 

Pearl Harbor says hello...Texas I guess wasn't a state when Santa Anna attacked the Alamo...but then again...white people in mass invaded the Americas and brought guns germs and slaves...and slaughtered innocent natives to take over the country. Let's not pretend they sprouted out of the soil here to begin with...we are a land of colonists and land grabbers...who killed for power and wealth It's common for white folks to gloss over the genocide that put them in power here to begin with. ..you say you like history...you should be able to acknowledge our own bad behavior throughout it. Anne Oakley didn't stop people from killing the buffalo and robbing people of their source of food, clothing and shelter in the winter...that's what her friends did...for bounty..starving out elderly people, women, children and the men of the tribes...crimes against humanity America is guilty of over the course of our own history.....101

 

America was also invaded by the Confederacy...yet the flags are still around all these years later

 

If we ban AR15's or somehow make them too expensive to buy people will start making them on the black market, and they will be fully automatic (it's far easier to make a fully automatic than a semi-automatic, and they are in higher demand).

Or they will choose to use a semi-automatic 30-06, which while it does travel at a very slightly slower speed, impacts with around twice the force and a larger mass. It will destroy anybody it hits, and if they are small and in a line it'll probably destroy the next 3 people in line. You can buy or make extended magazines for these, or you can just bring multiple magazines. It takes about half a second to change magazines with an afternoon of practice.

I don't see any way that this would be anything other than incredibly counterproductive. And it would take decades to achieve. And the political capital will be wasted which could have saved hundreds of thousands of lives as well as improved the lives of millions.

What happens when the military changes to the new XM-5? Another decades long fight to ban another model? Or is there a specific feature you're looking to ban?

The law has to be specific. What feature is banned? The magazine? The ammunition? Barrel length? The lower receiver? What specific aspect of these parts make them qualify to be banned? How do you ban this highly adaptable almost lego-like style of weapon without banning nearly all other hunting models?

That's the point. And that's what will make this take forever, and likely fail in the end. Because there is nothing specific to these guns that makes them more dangerous or different than most hunting rifles that have been sold for the last 100 years. They are quite literally less capable of killing than most hunting rifles.