Not that I'm a judge, but I then might question their heart condition. After all, one's faith is a matter of the heart. Peace, though......
I've never been married, but something tells me that it is never wise to discuss personal marital issues on the internet. You need to talk to friends/therapist/lawyer face to face.
For a split second I did a thought experiment and pretended my wife asked me to have FWB. I immediately felt a surge of rage. Like imagining somebody slapping my kid in the face, and me not acting on it. I just can't relate to that one. Sorry, that's not terribly helpful to you. Anyway, counseling is definitely a good idea. The first few years of my marriage definitely got rocky at times. Lots of fighting. One morning I woke up and just started to sing the dumbest song you've ever heard. "It's Erin's Day, Erin's Day, happy day, it's Erin's day." Fucking stupid as hell. But it busted Erin up. And everything we did that day was exactly what she wanted. If she wanted to listen to Nickelback *cringe* and go frog shopping *cringe cringe* and afterward watch a soap opera *cringe cringe cringe* I'd do it with her, and put on a shit-eating happy smile the whole time. And the funny thing was that it wasn't so bad, because I could see her enjoying the patience and attention. And a week later she woke me up singing the same song to me. (Of course, not for very long because I quickly took advantage of the situation and otherwise occupied her mouth.) We don't really do those "days" anymore. They seemed to die away the less we fought and the happier we got. I don't miss them, in the same way I don't miss a crutch after a leg fully heals. But it's nice to know I still have it if things ever got rough again.
Wow, feel really weird talking about this in a public forum, but my wife and I have dabbled with FWB's situations in the past off and on so I can relate to what you're talking about here. I've been married 16 years now, and we were married at 19 so the FWB thing was kind of a way to work through the curiousities that are natural with being married so young. I can't begin to tell you a solution to your situation, but I can say that what my wife and I have both found is that the FWB thing is great for that initial burst of excitement that any new relationship brings, but ultimately it takes a greater toll on your marriage than it's really worth. I think what we've discovered (or maybe just I), is that what any person wants out of their marriage is to feel special. She will never change, as you won't. Compramise is an important trait to learn, patience also. Honestly, if you are having hurt feelings because she isn't acting as you had hoped she would when you married, as much as you may feel like you are being loving and caring towards her those feelings seep out in ways you don't realize. I wouldn't suggest counseling, I honestly think that makes the situation worse more times than not. Honesty will be key, but honesty in a loving way. Drop the FWB thing, and re dedicate yourself to making her feel number one in your life (with kids being 1a and 1b). I truely do notice a huge improvement in my wife and I's realtionship when I refocus my energy away from feeling sorry for myself that we aren't having as much intimacy as I may want to focusing on all the great things we do have. .... if it makes you feel any better, I can relate on almost all accounts as my wife is the high level VP type and I work manual labor 9-5, so I understand the "her being tired". Truth is, after 60 very stressful hours a week, she is tired and I've needed to adjust my expectations. But, it's worked... with compramise and patience Hope things work out for you!
IMO, the bottom line......in a nutshell: A man needs to feel respected by his wife A woman needs to sense security/commitment from her husband
The way I figure, if one's outward actions don't match up with his/her internal beliefs/motivations (i.e. hypocrites), it becomes an integrity issue......in other words, a matter or condition of the (being true to the) heart itself. Harder for me to explain.
Did you read the thread? His wife is lying to him that she's not over at her boyfriend's house. She won't have sex with her husband because she's satiated by her boyfriend. If he moves out or divorces her, he's stuck for enormous amounts of money. Treating her like a queen won't change things. It's the sex, not arguments, that is causing this. I frankly don't have a clue as to how he can emerge from this with any happiness. It's not just you, there are several other posts here that are disconnected from reality. It's as if some of you copied and pasted standardized, noncustomized advice from somewhere.
This is a complicated matter. Clearly they both need professional help here. There is a difference between keeping your mind set on a few positive things until help arrives and making a career of kissing ass. There are children here who will grow up in a broken home unless they both put on their big boy pants and go get some professional help. Keeping peace in the family until that happens is one of the few things than can help at this point. Dissecting this any further without the wifes side of the story, and on an internet message board is of no value.
I have to admit I have a hard time understanding how he comes out of this in a month feeling good about this. My own advice may be too late to help at this point. Perhaps if he'd tried my "Erin's Day" technique instead of "Friends With Benefits" two years ago to spice things up, it'd be different. Maybe not. I disagree that it's the sex causing this. There was something lacking in the relationship they tried fixing by FWB. It only seemed to compound the problem. Now she seems to be trying to fix it by hiding out at a friend's house. I really feel bad for the kids in this. At this point if I were in his shoes I'd base every decision going forward only on what's truly good for them. Will they be happy if mommy and daddy aren't talking? Is it ok for them if mommy vanishes at times? Think about how they perceive things now, and how they'll perceive things a year or five years from now. If it seems likely it'll be just as hopeless then as it is now, it's time to do something. It's the responsibility of any good parent to do what they can to give the best lives possible to their kids.
Hmm... very sad thing and I'm sure I don't have enough info to respond properly, but here's what I'd do: 1. Mail it in with the wife. She is gone, emotionally. 2. Figure out what you want now. Do you want sex? Do you want a woman who actually wants to spend time with you and/or has the same interests? Really think about what you want so you can figure out how to get there. 3. Exercise. Maybe you already do that, but try to get in better shape than whatever you are. It will make you feel better and it will give you more confidence (with women and everything). 4. Figure out how to disengage from her. Make sure that the kids are going to be taken care of one way or the other, of course, but you deserve more from your mate--and in your life--than you're getting now. Ed O.
