Blazers Have Hired The ESPN Trade Machine

ABM · Mar 18, 2010

Good for them!

http://www.blazersedge.com/2010/3/18/1379504/thursday-practice-report-tom-penn

In a development nearly as stunning as their firing of Vice President of Basketball Operations Tom Penn, Vulcan Inc. announced early Wednesday morning that the Portland Trail Blazers have filled their Assistant General Manager position by hiring ESPN's Trade Machine. "This is a critical position in our management team and we knew we had to act quickly," said Vulcan Communications Director Lew T. Wharf. "We were looking for someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of every team's salary cap situation and the ability to evaluate our various options clinically. We are confident Mr. Machine brings those skills to the table and we feel he will be a great asset to Kevin Pritchard's management team."

The move quickly shores up the major hole left by Penn's firing. The remaining members of the management team -- Pritchard, Mike Born and Chad Buchanan -- are viewed around the league primarily as "Basketball People," rather than number-crunchers or salary gap gurus. Troubling for Blazers fans, though, is the fact that Mr. Machine has no prior experience working with any NBA organization or even any other professional sports organization.

Although sources close to Mr. Machine describe him as "young" and "a tireless worker prone to all-nighters," it's unclear how he will make the transition from free internet-based application to full time NBA executive. "Sure, I'm a little nervous," Mr. Machine told me at this morning's practice as he slowly settled into his new office at the team's Tualatin Practice Facility. "Wouldn't you be? That's only natural when you're taking a position with new responsibilities and working on a tight timeline." Asked how his first day on the job went, Mr. Machine replied, "I did my best to approve all of Kevin Pritchard's ideas, but it's not easy." After a pause and a wistful smile, he added, "I like Portland, the people here are very nice, they plug me in gently."

Critics of the acquisition are already blasting Vulcan, Inc., painting the hiring as the cheap-and-easy approach. "I respect Machine's abilities and knowledge but let's face it, this [hiring] was about dollars and cents," one source with knowledge of the negotiations said. "Vulcan owes Penn a bunch of money and now they went looking for a dollar store replacement. [Machine] is willing to work cheap, for next to nothing really. He said during his interview that he would accept replacement batteries in lieu of an annual bonus. You know that was music to Vulcan's ears."
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BTW, here's a piece on the inventor of said machine:

http://www.nba.com/rockets/news/Letrsquos_Make_A_Deal-285317-34.html

Per team policy, details of Machine's contract were not disclosed.

Nikolokolus · Mar 18, 2010

Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!

julius · Mar 18, 2010

I guess that's funny.

BenDavis503 · Mar 18, 2010

loloolololol very nice!!!!!!!

Nikolokolus · Mar 18, 2010

julius said: ↑

I guess that's funny.
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yes.

ABM · Mar 18, 2010

julius said: ↑

I guess that's funny.
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You only respond positively to counter humor. I'm sure it's the anarchist in you.

julius · Mar 18, 2010

ABM said: ↑

You only respond positively to counter humor. I'm sure it's the anarchist in you.
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I've never been a fan of chist, sir. Good day, sir. I'm doing Keith Olbermann, sir...You are wrong, sir! Camera 3, sir!

cdub503 · Mar 18, 2010

That's just weird

RR7 · Mar 18, 2010

good hire.

Nikolokolus · Mar 18, 2010

Ooh, Dave got the exclusive 'first interview' with Mr. Machine. Good stuff ...

http://www.blazersedge.com/2010/3/18/1379864/blazersedge-exclusive-interview#storyjump

Blazersedge: Trade Machine! Welcome to the family.

Trade Machine: Thank you. I just want people to know that I'm honored to serve in this important position. The Blazers had their pick of candidates--Trade CheckerTM, Guy Who Knows It All... I'm grateful they chose me and I look forward to many productive moves together.

BE: You're known world-wide for your encyclopedic knowledge of NBA players and their trade values.

TM: Indeed. Did you know that LeBron James can be traded for the 3rd, 6th, 8th, and 12th men on 62% of NBA rosters?

BE: Amazing.

TM: Yeah, I get that a lot. Chris Paul, Kevin Durant, I've faux-moved them all thousands of times.

BE: So you mostly deal in big-name trades?

TM: Yeah. I'd say over 96% of prospective trades have a big name in them. Unless an unshaven guy shows up wearing boxers, a Mountain Dew-stained t-shirt, and a ratty baseball cap with Cheeto dust all over his fingers. Then you know it's going to be an obscure deal.

BE: Let's get to it then. Any good moves in the hopper?

TM: In our culture we choose not to describe ideas that way. "Good" and "bad" are subjective, judgmental terms. We prefer "Works" and "Doesn't Work".

BE: Works and Doesn't Work? So if I were to say to you "Travis Outlaw and Steve Blake for Marcus Camby"?

TM: Works.

BE: Andre Miller and Dante Cunningham for Morris Peterson?

TM: Works.

BE: Rudy Fernandez for O.J. Mayo?

TM: Doesn't work.

BE: I see.

TM: Well, technically the correct jargon is "Failed!" with a big, red bar around it but that doesn't fit well in a corporate environment. They say my predecessor pulled that one on Paul Allen once, with mixed results. So we're going with "Doesn't work."

...
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Blazer_Hippie · Mar 18, 2010

The first stuff out of this mess to actually make me laugh. Yay!

THE HCP · Mar 18, 2010

I'm very confused right now.

maxiep · Mar 18, 2010

"THE" said: ↑

I'm very confused right now.
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Don't kid yourself; you've been confused for quite a while now.

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Blazers Have Hired The ESPN Trade Machine

ABM Happily Married In Music City, USA!

Nikolokolus There's always next year

julius Living on the air in Cincinnati... Staff Member Global Moderator

BenDavis503 Banned User BANNED

Nikolokolus There's always next year

ABM Happily Married In Music City, USA!

julius Living on the air in Cincinnati... Staff Member Global Moderator

cdub503 Well-Known Member

RR7 Well-Known Member

Nikolokolus There's always next year

Blazer_Hippie Batum getting ballsy!

THE HCP NorthEastPortland'sFinest

maxiep RIP Dr. Jack

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Blazers Have Hired The ESPN Trade Machine

Moderators

ABM Happily Married In Music City, USA!

Nikolokolus There's always next year

julius Living on the air in Cincinnati... Staff Member Global Moderator

BenDavis503 Banned User BANNED

Nikolokolus There's always next year

ABM Happily Married In Music City, USA!

julius Living on the air in Cincinnati... Staff Member Global Moderator

cdub503 Well-Known Member

RR7 Well-Known Member

Nikolokolus There's always next year

Blazer_Hippie Batum getting ballsy!

THE HCP NorthEastPortland'sFinest

maxiep RIP Dr. Jack

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