Joe was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. The doctor said, “I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed, but immediately decided he had no choice other than to go under the knife. When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he walked past a men's clothing store and thought buying a new suit might cheer him up. The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see... size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure...” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 neck.” Joe was once again surprised, “That”s exactly right. How did you know?" “It”s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Joe was on a roll by this point and said, “Well, sure ....” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see...9...wide.” Joe was astonished, “That’s right .... How did you know?” “It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe hesitated for a second and said, “Sure...” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see...size large.” Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size medium since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head, “Oh, don’t be silly, you can’t wear a medium. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache!”
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
Obama dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates he meets the devil who tells Obama that because Hell is full, he’ll he replacing one of the current inhabitants. He leads him down a hallway where there are three doors and indicates that he’ll be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He’s being worked over with a blowtorch. Obama cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!” Door 2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. “I don’t think so,” Obama insists. Door 3 opens and behind it is Mitt Romney. He’s bound hand to foot to a chair and is completely naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. “I can handle that!” Obama proclaims enthusiastically. “Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.” The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.” “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.” The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?” “1959, ma’am.” “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1959!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1959!” The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
