What's the best thing about having sex with petite women? You can just grab 'em around the waist and beat off with 'em...
What do you call a Mexican being basptised? - Bean dip. What is worse than getting your keys stuck inside your car outside an abortion clinic? - Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.
What did Zach Randolph tell the stripper right after one of his homies slipped her some GHB? Imma push your stool in for you...
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "where the heck did you get that?" and the parrot says, "Africa..."
This one actually happened. I was going out to pick up a sixpack of beer. Wife: "Can you also pick up a bag of potatoes while you're there?" Me: "So...an Irish seven course meal."
True story. Our dog (Bear) and our friend's dog (Truman) are playing in our back yard. Truman pauses to take a mamoth dump. Bear decides to defend "his" backyard by pissing on it. Truman returns and piddles on the pile. Bear declares "no you didn't!" and pees on the pile a second time. I'm watching 2 dogs argue over who owns a pile of poop....and I'm thinking I might as well be reading this forum!
You ever find yourself buying things just because you want to have sex with the person selling them to you?... So, I get home and I've got all these boxes everywhere, and I realize: I don't even like Thin Mints..
You know there are 50,000 battered women in America? And all these years I've been eating them plain... You know what they have in common? They just (backhand to palm smack) don't (backhand to palm smack) fucking (backhand to palm smack) listen (backhand to palm smack).
So I was eating out grandma and suddenly I could taste horse semen. So that's how she must have died. (^This one gets posted on reddit a lot. Makes me cringe every time.)
