Isn't there some place on Craigslist for this kind of shit? "Our eyes met as I shoved a huge hotdog in my mouth and I knew you were the one!"
" Your hair was dyed blonde, we made eye contact while I was filming you. I was the guy wearing overalls and a phanny pack. Yes that was my mom next to me, she promised to comb my hair before bed if I took her with me. I read your lips but I must have been zoomed in on you ass when you said "I want to," because all I caught was "fuck you." I'd do anything to lower you into the 50foot hole I dug in my moms basement. I'll show you my pez dispenser collection if you'll rub the lotion on its skin."
The odds of finding 'this beauty' on 'this board' is approaching absolute zero. Just go to another Blazers game, Slam Drunk. Thanks for the fodder though. I appreciate it.