• ‘Cricket is basically baseball on valium.’ •‘Ah, yes, divorce – from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.’ •‘One question for the Royal Family: all that money and no dental hygiene?’ •‘No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.’ •‘What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.’ •‘People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.’ •‘Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money’ •‘In America they really do mythologise people when they die.’ •‘I like my wine like my women – ready to pass out.’ •‘The only reason Mickey Mouse has four fingers is because he can’t pick up a cheque.’ •‘Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… Look at the platypus.’ •‘In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say, “Stop, or I’ll say stop again”.’ •‘Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.’ •‘If it’s the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number?’ •‘Reality: What a concept!’ •‘Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.’ •‘I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.’ •‘Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.’ •‘Shakespeare said, “Kill all the lawyers.” There were no agents then.’ •‘I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.’ •‘Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.’ •‘We Americans, we’re a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we’ll bomb your cities.’ •‘The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.’ •‘I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, “Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?” And George will reply, “It’s 71 Virginians, you asshole!”‘ •‘I had my back waxed once by two women… and at one point they said, “Do you mind if we take a break?”‘
Couple of great RW stories, one from Ozzy Osbourne, one from comedian Norm MacDonald http://www.blabbermouth.net/news/ozzy-osbourne-is-forever-in-debt-to-robin-williams/ http://uproxx.com/webculture/2014/0...story-on-twitter-that-sums-up-everyones-loss/
