The CNN-Telemundo Republican debate, summarized

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  1. SlyPokerDog

    SlyPokerDog Woof! Staff Member Administrator

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    Well, here we are, at the last Republican debate before the next eight hundred debates — and the actual last debate before Super Tuesday. Jeb! is gone. (“His best performance ever!” Twitter proclaimed, because we human beings are cruel.) But perhaps the only winning move on Thursday night was not to play.

    Here, for anyone who lacked the stamina for another debate, is a rough summary of what happened. As is usual in these, the end times, candidates’ actual words are in italics.

    Wolf Blitzer: Hello and welcome to the GOP debate. I will be moderating this debate. Kind of. Opening statements?

    Ben Carson: If someone had tried to describe today’s America to you thirty years ago, you would have listened in disbelief. Robot cats! Trees made from human skin! And Donald Trump’s the president! What a time to be alive!

    John Kasich: My father carried mail on his back. His father was a coal miner. They would have been amazed to see me up here on this stage tonight, not because it would never have occurred to them that their son and grandson could run for president but because they thought that with my poll numbers, surely I would have dropped out by now.

    Marco Rubio: AMERICA! COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!

    Ted Cruz: Wait, you’re here to stop Donald Trump? I thought I was here to stop Donald Trump.

    Trump: I am just here to have a good time. (pulls out an old flintlock musket, fires it, and kills an endangered puppy. The crowd cheers) I am having a blast! Nothing I say or do matters, and no one can do anything to me. I am no longer just Jeb Bush’s nightmare! I am the nightmare of everyone on this stage!

    Wolf: Talk about immigration!

    Rubio: Donald, you criticized Mitt Romney for using the term “self-deportation.”

    Trump: I criticized Mitt Romney for lots of reasons. Pssh, look at the guy.

    Rubio: Also, try the search term “Trump polish workers.” (points) See, Ben Carson’s Googling it!

    Carson: I’m playing Candy Crush, actually.

    Rubio: Kasich?

    Kasich: Huh, when you type in “Trump polish workers” it suggests “vote Marco Rubio” and “six different ways you can tell Rubio is not a robot” and “Okay, Rubio is a robot, but he’s from the future and he is YOUR ONLY CHANCE, AMERICA.”

    Rubio: PLEASE. LET ME SAVE YOU. I am only sweating because I HAVE SEEN WHAT THE STAKES ARE.

    Trump: Hush now, Marco. (Audience applauds.) Everyone, watch me strangle this rare bird with my hands, which are a NORMAL SIZE. (Trump does so. Wild cheering.) Look, what you said was very nice and very interesting, probably, but I was not listening. I’ve hired people. Have you ever hired people?

    Rubio: Maybe not, but in the timeline where I came from President Rubio hires lots of people and ushers in a golden age.

    Cruz: I’m just sad that people think that nobody knew about illegal immigration before Donald Trump. I was into the issue of illegal immigration BEFORE it was cool.

    Trump: Shut up, Ted. No one likes you. Not a single person. Raise your hand if you like Ted. (pause) Nobody? Now make a noise if you think Ted is a nightmare of a human being. (Crowd laughs, applauds.) Now pelt him with raw vegetables!

    Cruz: YOU THINK THAT BOTHERS ME? I BATHE IN YOUR HATRED! I’VE BEEN LOATHED BY PEOPLE SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE A TWINKLE IN YOUR DADDY’S LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT!

    Rubio: (earnestly, to Cruz, in an undertone) What timeline are you from? What are you trying to accomplish here?

    Blitzer: Donald, the president of Mexico said he wouldn’t pay for your, quote, “effing wall.”

    Trump: The wall just got TEN FEET higher and a BILLION dollars more expensive! The wall has moved from the realm of fantasy, past several Bernie Sanders budget proposals, and across the border into Gumdrop Land, a beautiful place where I am building a very tasteful casino.

    Rubio: If you build the wall, you will be using illegal immigrant labor to do it. Google this, everyone! Also, Google “Trump University!”

    Carson: I just googled it and it sounds like a wonderful deal! How do I sign up?

    (Rubio slams his head repeatedly into the podium. A red light starts to flash behind his ear. He slams his head again and it turns off.)

    Rubio: If Trump had not inherited all that money, he would be selling watches!

    Trump: What’s wrong with selling watches? I have a whole armful of huge, classy watches. I’ll sell you one now, if you like.

    Cruz: Marco, why are you so wrong on ethanol?

    Rubio: Ted, what are you doing? You’re supposed to be attacking him, not me!

    María Celeste Arrarás: Yes, what he said.

    Hugh Hewitt: Talk about Supreme Court nominees.

    Trump: I will not nominate bad, disappointing people like Ted Cruz’s John Roberts.

    Cruz: For the last time, I had no choice! I would not have nominated him! I was just doing what George W. Bush wanted!

    Carson: Hey, wait, speaking of George W., Jeb’s not here! Where’d he go? Did we start without him by mistake?

    Hewitt: How about you, Dr. Carson? Who would you nominate?

    Carson:“As president, I would go through and I would look at what a person’s life has been. What have they done in the past? What kind of judgments have they made? What kind of associations do they have? That will tell you a lot more than an interview will tell you. The fruit salad of their life is what I will look at.”

    Hewitt: I’m sorry, what?

    Carson: Justice Ginsburg, the fruit salad of her life is full of those large irregular pear slices that can really overwhelm the rest of the contents of the salad. You can’t have that. Whereas Justice Alito has a good ratio of pineapple, melon — and you know that’s real juice he’s got in there, not syrup. That’s important. Now Kagan, that is more difficult, but I think there is an assortment of raspberries, maybe a lingonberry. I would have to do some research.

    Hewitt: I wish you got to talk more.

    Rubio: I don’t.

    Dana Bash: Donald, do you know what you would replace Obamacare with?

    Trump: No.

    Bash: Do you understand how health insurance works?

    Trump: I would get rid of the lines around the states.

    Bash: Can you describe what an exchange is or how you would run it or say any sentence about healthcare or insurance that is not immediately, obviously incorrect?

    Trump: Look, I read an article, I think, about this, where it said that they had some very interesting, some things, that if they got rid of something, things would be a lot less, you know. Very interesting stuff. And I will do that thing.

    (Applause)

    Bash: Really, audience? Really?

    Trump: A lot of my best friends are insurance companies.

    Rubio: You actually don’t know how Obamacare works, do you? Say something that isn’t “I’ll get rid of the lines.”

    Trump: I’ll get RID of the LINES.

    Rubio: How are you visualizing this in your mind? Do you think this is, like, a big map where you just erase something?

    Trump: (aggressively, but you can tell he’s trying to find out the real answer, like a kid on the playground responding to a surprising taunt about human anatomy): Is itnot?

    Rubio: But then what?

    Trump: Well, we’ll erase those lines. We’ll erase them, and they’ll be gone. Poof!

    Rubio: And then —

    Trump: Well, without the lines, there’ll be competition. There won’t be lines.

    Rubio: Stop repeating yourself.

    Trump: Stop repeating YOURSELF.

    Rubio: You have literally five things that you say.“Everyone’s dumb, he’s gonna make America great again… We’re going to win, win win, he’s winning in the polls… And the lines around the state. Every night.”

    Trump: That is not true. I also say, “Huge” and “Great.”

    Bash: Donald, do you want to talk about your plan?

    Trump: No.

    Bash: John Kasich, would you care to drain the air from the room?

    Kasich: I’m not doing it on purpose, Dana.

    Bash: Ben Carson, how about you?

    Ben Carson: I have given this a lot of thought and I think: cherries, mangoes, grapes, and grapefruit. Those little chunks of grapefruit that you’re never expecting. That’s Justice Thomas, to me.

    Cruz: I am sharply to the right of Donald on Obamacare. I’d like to be clear about that. He says things like “I don’t think people with pre-existing conditions should die in the street” — well, I don’t agree. We are different, he and I. I am not weak like him.

    Trump: Just so we’re clear, you are going on the record as in favor of people dying in the streets, Ebenezer Cruz.

    Rubio: Ted, please, I already did a more appealing version of this attack. Stop helping.

    Blitzer: Governor Kasich, would Donald’s plan work?

    Kasich: Well, it wouldn’t work in Ohio! (crickets) Come on, that always goes over HUGE in Cleveland!

    Blitzer: Mitt Romney says there’s a bombshell in your taxes, Donald.

    Trump: Hang on one second, let me push an old lady off the stage to almost certain death! (He does so. His poll numbers go up) You were saying?

    Blitzer: Why haven’t you released your returns?

    Trump: Because I’m being audited.

    Cruz: Wait, that’s your actual answer, you can’t release your returns because you’re being audited?

    Trump: Yuuuuup.

    Rubio: I have to agree with Ted here. What?

    Trump: Let me just say in response to Ted that I am winning in the polls. I will make America great again. We’re going to win, win win.

    Cruz: You’re not beating Hillary.

    Trump:“Well, then, if I can’t — if — hey, if I can’t beat her, you’re really going to get killed, aren’t you?”

    Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOH

    Trump: Ted, if you were a sandwich, you would be a single slice of ham by itself, because you could not get two slices of bread to stand beside you. Nobody likes you, Ted.

    Cruz: I DRINK YOUR HATRED. IT MAKES ME STRONGER.

    Trump: Does it, though?

    Blitzer: How much does everyone on this stage love Israel?

    Rubio: So much.

    Cruz: I have endorsed Israel for President of the United States.

    Trump: Look, real estate is real estate. Deals are deals. Israel is just some fancy real estate in a great location. Peace in the Middle East is just another deal, and I am in favor of peace in the Middle East. Many Miss Universe contestants have said that in my hearing and I think they made some good, complex points.

    Blitzer: Governor Kasich, what would you do about Kim Jong Un? Remove him?

    Kasich: Well, that would depend on what was happening. If things were happening where it seemed like the right move was to remove him, I’d remove him. If not, then, no, I don’t think so. Shucks.

    Trump: Also, is there a way to put Gadhafi back in charge in Libya? I liked him. Seemed like a guy who knew what he was doing. Unlike this crowd of losers. “I mean, first of all, this guy is a choke artist, and this guy is a liar.”

    Carson:Can somebody attack me, please?

    Trump: No.

    Cruz: (clears throat) Actually, “falsely accusing someone of lying is itself a lie…”

    Trump: Don’t try to confuse us with your liar talk, liar.“I know politicians — I know politicians, believe it or not, better than you do. And it’s not good.”

    Cruz:I believe it. No, no. I believe you know politicians much better than I do, because for 40 years, you’ve been funding liberal Democratic politicians. And by the way…”

    Trump:I funded you. I funded him. Can you believe it?

    Rubio:He never funded ME.

    Cruz:And — and by the way, let’s be clear. Donald claims — Donald claims to care about…

    Trump:You know why? I didn’t want to, but he sent me his book with his autograph…

    Cruz:Donald. Donald. Donald. I understand rules are very hard for you. They’re very confusing.

    Trump: Mr. Trump, you’re doing a great job. I have his book. Thank you — thank you for the book. Go ahead.

    Cruz:Donald, you can get back on your meds now.

    Trump:This is a lot of fun up here tonight, I have to tell you. Thank — thank you for the book. I really appreciate.

    Cruz:Donald — Donald, relax.

    Trump:Go ahead. I’m relaxed. You’re the basket case. Go ahead. Don’t get nervous. Go ahead.

    Cruz:I promise you, Donald, there’s nothing about you…

    Trump:I’ve seen you.

    Cruz: …that makes anyone nervous.[Politifact rating: mostly false.]

    Trump:You’re losing so badly you — I want to…

    Cruz:You know, people are actually watching this at home.

    Rubio: Is there a guy who is supposed to be moderating this?

    Blitzer: Hey now, guys.

    Rubio: Wow, that’s some moderation.

    Blitzer: Hey now, guys. Hey. Can we — can we not? In all honesty, I’m worried that if this debate goes any longer, I will be trampled underfoot. You want closing statements? Or not? Not is fine too, it’s about what you want tonight.

    Carson: Closing statements are fine. Look at my hands. “A movie was made about these hands.”They are the right size to make a movie about, unlike some of the hands on these stage. Look at the fruit salad of my life, then make your decision. Peaches.

    Kasich: I’ve been trying to stand apart from the fray tonight, or at least off to the side of the fray, hoping that no one will notice I am there and throw a dodgeball at me. It has worked and backfired simultaneously. Vote for me in Ohio, please!

    Rubio: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, I AM YOUR ONLY CHANCE! I HAVE SEEN HOW THIS UNFOLDS AND IT IS A NIGHTMARE. PICTURE THE WORST THING YOU CAN PICTURE. NOW DOUBLE THAT. NOW DOUBLE IT AGAIN. THEN PUT A COCKROACH ON IT. THAT IS THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY. WE HAVE TO STOP HIM, DO YOU HEAR ME? THAT IS WHY I WAS SENT BACK HERE! BUT IT’S NOT WORKING. LOOK! ALREADY, I AM STARTING TO FADE! YOU CAN SEE THE PODIUM THROUGH MY TORSO! VOTE, VOTE NOW! IT IS OUR ONLY CHANCE, I TELL YOU!

    Cruz: I am a true conservative who stands to the right of Trump on everything, if that helps. Does that help? And no one I have ever worked with likes me.

    Rubio: (vanishing faster) STOP HELPING!

    Trump: This was fun. We all had fun tonight, didn’t we, guys? (stabs a baby panda to death. Everyone cheers.)

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/blog...summary/?postshare=1691456495326373&tid=ss_fb
     
  2. speeds

    speeds $2.50 highball, $1.50 beer Staff Member Administrator GFX Team

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    Dunno if Patton Oswalt is the main guy doing this but his live Tweets are in this style but much better.


    "I think terrorists getting away with things is bad. You can't live on just cake. A giraffe would be fun to ride." -- Ben Carson

    This debate is a Vonnegut novel, adapted into a film by Uwe Bolle and starring the Banana Splits.

    "I saw a piece of driftwood once that looked like a ray gun. Do owls understand Christmas?" -- Ben Carson

    Trump thinks he "may be able" to negotiate peace in the Middle East! I'm sold!
     
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  3. oldfisherman

    oldfisherman Unicorn Wrangler

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    WOW, Trump’s hard line on immigration keeps getting higher.

    In reality, Trump has reversed his hard line on immigration for two short stretches. Both times he was looking for a wife. He must not like women born and raised in the USA.

    1450403093216.jpg
     
  4. SlyPokerDog

    SlyPokerDog Woof! Staff Member Administrator

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    BREAKING: New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie endorses Donald Trump for president.
     
  5. barfo

    barfo triggered obsessive commie pinko boomer maniac Staff Member Global Moderator

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    Somebody wants to be Attorney General. Or maybe even VP.

    barfo
     
  6. jlprk

    jlprk The ESPN mod is insane.

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    Articles wonder, why, with his campaign starving, did fat Christie jealously choose handsome young Rubio to attack in the previous debate for being a robot. Fat Christie stewed on it and then endorsed fat Trump. Now, the media finds his motive a tough chew, but I think it's obvious.
     
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  7. barfo

    barfo triggered obsessive commie pinko boomer maniac Staff Member Global Moderator

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    On that last part, I'm guessing the issue is actually the reverse.

    barfo
     
  8. speeds

    speeds $2.50 highball, $1.50 beer Staff Member Administrator GFX Team

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    You missed "breathlessly".
     
  9. SlyPokerDog

    SlyPokerDog Woof! Staff Member Administrator

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