Hundreds of years ago, the Crackers broke free from the oppressive reign of the Fig Newtons. And they moved to that magical cookie jar across the sink. They were tired of being taxed – “Taxation without representation!” they said. So, they planted the flag of freedom in this new cookie jar and the Crackers thought this was good. There was one problem, the Peanut Butter Cookies already lived there. This didn’t bother the Crackers. So, they crushed the Peanut Butter Cookies, leaving nothing but a trail of crumbs behind – where you can gamble or go buy cheap tobacco today. After a while, the Crackers grew tired of doing the tasks they believed were beneath them. “We’re Crackers! We shouldn’t have to farm or build things!” so they thought. So, you know what they did, right? They abducted the Brownies. Because the Crackers hated the brownies because they were nutty and full of flavor. Brownies can dance, Crackers can’t – everybody knows that. Then one day, one Cracker freed all the Brownies and there was a big war – Cracker killing Cracker. Eventually the good Crackers won and the Brownies were freed. Although they were only considered three-fifths of a Cracker, but they took what they could get, you know. But, now they didn’t have anyone to do the work for them, so you know what the Crackers did next. They got the Doritos from underneath the sink – and paid them lower wages for the same work. There’s some talk about building a chip clip to keep them down there, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. They forgot the Bagels control all the money, right? So, where are we now in the cookie jar you might be asking yourself. Well, I think its safe to say we’re all of us united, you know, in our fear of the Fortune Cookies. There’s like a billion of them and we owe them a lot of money. They all have such tasty wisdom wrapped up inside – your rucky numbers. I think we’re also united in our anger at the Pecan Sandies for controlling all the Crisco for so long. And the Croissants have never been any help. They seem to have forgotten that if it wasn’t for us, they’d be speaking Strudel right now. But, in the end it doesn’t matter who we are or what our differences are. We can always overcome here in this magical cookie jar of ours – I think we’ve proven that. I mean, look at the Crackers and Brownies for example. We’ve put aside our differences. Hell, we even started making families together and that is how the Oreo Cookie was born…and became the President of the United States of America. And that’s the story of America.
