Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
LOL That reminds me of the joke about the two ditch diggers. One day, a supervisor walks by drinking a refreshing cool glass of lemonade. Ditchdigger1 says "How come you're up there drinking lemnade while we're down here all hot and sweaty digging in the dirt?" Supervisor: "Come up here and see this." Ditchdigger1 climbs out of the hole and walks over to the supervisor. Supervisor: He stands in front of a tree. "See this face? Hit me right there as hard as you can." Ditchdigger1: "No, I'll hurt your nose." Supervisor: "No, you won't." Ditchdigger1: "Okay, here goes." He swings and just before he lands a blow the supervisor moves his head aside and Ditchdigger1 hits the tree hard and hurts his hand something terribly. Supervisor: "That's why I'm the supervisor and you're digging ditches." With that Ditchdigger1 jumps back in the hole and resumes his digging. Ditchdigger2: "Well, why is he up there drinking lemonade while we're down here all hot and sweaty digging this hole?" Ditchdigger1: Sigh, and jumps out of the hole. Says to Ditchdigger2 "Come up here." Stands in front of a tree. "Hit me as hard as you can in the face." Ditchdigger2: "Okay, here goes." He swings at which time Ditchdigger1 forgets to move his head.
A man walks into a whore house and a woman sitting inside asks him if he has money. The man says no. The woman says get the hell out of here then. A few days later the man comes back. The wonan inside asks him again if he has money. Again he doesn't. The woman says get the hell out of here. Go fuck a hole in a tree in the woods or something. A week later the man comes back. The woman says you better have money. The man shows he does indeed have money this time. Ok the woman says, go in room 5. He does and there is a naked wonan waiting. She says what do you want to do. He says bend over. She does. He kicks her in the ass knocking her across to the other side of the bed. She yells what the hell was that for. He replied looking for bees.
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up shots all the way down the length of the bar counter. He obliges and the man starts pounding them one after the next in quick succession. You sure are drinking those fast mister, says the bartender. You be drinking thrm fast too if you had what I had. Whats that asked the bartender. Fifty cents says the man as he takes the last shot.
The CEO's of four beer companies meet at a bar after a convention. They sit down and are recognized by the bartender. What can I get you guys he asks. The CEO of Budweiser says I'll take the king of beers, give me a bud. The CEO of coors says I'll take the only beer made with fresh mountain water, give me a coors. Next, the CEO of Corona says give me the best beer to drink on a beach, give me a corona. The last CEO, the CEO of Guinness says I'll take a water. What the bartender and the other CEOs say in suprised unison, you don't want a Guinness? Nah, I figure you guys are drinking water, I might as well too.
A man walks into a bar and sees a long line. At the front is a donkey, and a sign that says make this donkey laugh win $500. The man gets his line and waits his turn as everyone in front of him tries in vain to get the donkey to laugh. Tge man steps up on his turn and whispers into the donkeys ear and the donkey laughs hysterically. The man claims his $500 to the suprise of the bartender. A week later the man comes back to the bar and sees a long line again. The donkey is there again. This time the sign next to him says make the donkey cry and win $500. The man shrugs his shoulders and gets in line. He waits in turn as everyone before tries in vain to make the donkey cry. When it is the mans turn, he succeeds in making the donkey cry. The astonished bartender pays the man his $500 and can't help but to ask how he did it. The man replied well last week to make the donkey laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his. This week to make him cry I showed him my dick.
A man goes to a whore house and says "Here's a thousand dollars. I want the strangest fuck I've ever had." They send him into a room where he finds a turkey. "Oh my God" he says and proceeds to do his business. The next week the man comes back to the whore house and says "That last week was pretty strange. Here's another thousand for another strange experience. They send him into a different room. In that room he finds a one way mirror and dim lights with a bunch of other guys watching through the mirror. There they see a guy screwing a sheep. He says to the guy next to him "Wow, that's really strange" The guy next to him replies "Oh, that's nothing. You should have been here last week when there was a guy in there with a turkey"
A doctor is at a party talking to his lawyer friend. Doc tells him how tired he is of people constantly asking him for free medical advice. "It's been happening non-stop since I arrived at this party!" he complains. His friend nods knowingly, sips on his drink, and says he used to have the same problem, but solved it a long time ago. Doc says, "Really? How do you handle that?" He tells him, "Simple--I just bill anyone who utilizes my expertise." Doc says, "Wow, brilliant--such a simple solution! I'm absolutely going to start doing that." The rest of the evening, every time someone asks him for his opinion about a medical issue, he warns them that he'd have to bill them if he answered the question, and soon all the questions stopped, and he could just enjoy the party. It ends up being the most enjoyable evening he's had in years. When he gets home, he immediately wrote his friend a thank you letter and mailed it off. He is shocked to receive a letter back that very next day. "Such a quick response!" he thinks to himself as he opened the envelope. Inside, he finds a bill from his friend the lawyer.
A guy is picked up in the middle of the downtown stark naked by the police. The policeman says "What do you think you're doing?" The man answers "I must be the first one here." "What are you talking about." the policeman says. The man answers "I went to a party and the hostess turned off the lights and said 'Okay everybody, take off your clothes and go to town.' so, I must be the first one here."
A deal is a deal. Young couple dated steady for three years starting in high school. Engaged to be married for eight months, and a month until they tie the knot. Parked at lovers lane making sparks. The guy tell his future bride. I have respected your wishes and not tried anything more than some kissing. But this is driving me crazy. We should experiment a little tonight. You know I will still respect you. The gal says. Ok, but this is the deal. We will get undressed. Then you rub your carrot around the outside of my honey hole. But do not stick it in. That's the deal. The guy agrees with the deal. So they get undressed, and he rubs his carrot around her honey hole. She starts softly moaning. So he takes a chance and sticks it a little. She moans a little louder. So he goes deeper. The moaning increases. Now he rams it home, and is going to town like jackhammer. She starts to squealing with joy. Then she yells. Oh honey, that feels so good, put it all in. His reply, nope, a deal is a deal.
So, this guy moves way out in the country. I mean it's so far out that there's absolutely nothing to do but sit around the General Store and talk. The guy gets up the nerve and in a hushed voice says "What do you guys do for female companionship?" Old Bob says "We go out back and pick out one of the sheep in the corral and do our business." Geez the guy says "Okay, where's that corral?" A few of the guys lead him out there and one of them says "Okay, pick one out and go to town." Our guy selects a sheep and begins to ready himself when he notices everyone laughing. Our guy says "What's so funny? You all do it." Old Bob says "Sure, we all do it, but the ugliest one in the bunch?"
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?? His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
...a little long but bear with me; An old whino walks into a whorehouse and tells the Madam, "I want the best you got!" Madam replies, "You think you can handle it old timer?"....Whino say, "HEY, I said I want the best you got!" "That'll be $100" say the Madam...Whino plunks $100 on the counter...and the Madan promptly gives him a key and a room #. Whino goes upstairs, unlocks the door and sees a young pretty woman laying on the bed naked...woman takes one look at the old whino and rolls her eyes and thinks, "Can't believe what they sent me now." Whino pulls his pants off and out jumps what looks like a python (it's so big that it's got a vein on it that you could tow a truck with)...woman thinks "Holy shit !... but hell, the he's an old man so maybe it won't be so bad". So the whino climbs onto the bed and puts his arm around the woman, looks at her, pauses, and says, "Ma'am, would you mind if I wore a rubber?"...the woman says "I don't care, let's just get this shit over with"....so the whino sits on the side of the bed and somehow stretches a condom over his gut wrench...and then gets back in the bed and again puts his arm around the woman again, looks into her eyes, pauses again, and says, "Hold on a minute" and as the woman watches him, the whino reaches over onto the nightstand and takes some kleenex and wads it up and stuffs it into his nostrils...gets some more kleenex, wads it up and shoves it in both ears and then gets back into bed. The woman says "Wait just a minute, I don't mind that you're an old stinking assed whino, and I don't mind that massive thing between your legs, and I don't mind the rubber...but you're gonna tell what the wadded up kleenex is for". ...the whino says, "Well darlin', there are 2 things in this world I cannot stand...that's the sound of a screaming woman, and the smell of burning rubber" !"
