It took a while, but it became difficult not to show ones true colors, which is a shame because it kind of derailed the thread. Back to the topic: OB, have you been able to seek out some kind of help for your self and the family member you're dealing with?
Thanks everyone for the kind thoughts and advice. Unfortunately most everything has already been tried. i'm struggling with the "get him out of my life" part, as he is my father. He can still drive, but likely not much longer. Ive tried taking his keys, i've tried family interventions, i've had a friend 20years sober and still active AA contact him, nothign works because he doesn't think he has a real problem. Its not just pushing my own father away, that is a struggle in its own, but its also to the extent of the life changing event it would take for myself and my wife. We have put alot of time and effort into our house and plans for long term care for him and in order to push him out, we will likely need to sell and relocate. I wish it were as easy as changing the locks @UncleCliffy'sDaddy. You've been to my place. Ive got it fixed up better than ever and have put alot of time into it. Hard to give up. Ive discussed this with our family, etc. All sympathetic, but not willing to get overly involved. Some hard choices ahead...
all of the above. binge and daily. some days less some days more. Denial of it all. His behavior when hes drunk and whether he even has a real problem.
You're in a really tough situation. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Can you take a couple of weeks off from work and maybe rent a cabin some where out out out in the woods for just you two? Maybe try to sober him up? What is the longest he's gone without drinking? I know some native american tribes do something like this.
I think the help is making a firm decision and sticking to it. Ive spent too much of my life trying to help others who don't want to help themselves and its made me somewhat jaded. How do you help someone who will not admit they need help? I keep trying and its pushing me to a breaking point.
But it's your dad and that is going to give you a ton more of additional stress and guilt. I do think you and your wife should see a councilor so you try to not beat yourself up over this.
If he goes more than 24-48 hours sober, he get sick and gets the shakes. In order for him to get sober, I think it will require some in patient treatment to ensure his stability health wise.
I would talk to an attorney and see what would be needed to get a limited power of attorney to make medical decisions for your father. I have no idea if this is an option but it might be worth looking into. If you can get a medical power of attorney you can force him into rehab.
You can't, but you also can't make your life worse for them. But at the same time, its not easy to cut them off, etc.
I wonder what he would say if you told him you can’t take care of him in this current state - drunk - so he might have to go to a long term care facility. Make him choose
I feel like this is potentially a good tactic to take. You can throw in a few "it may not be a problem for you, but it is a problem for me so now it is a problem for you." something along those lines.
I witnessed my twin nephews binge drink, going through emotional holocaust, crying and repeating the same thing over and over, when obliterated. You can't communicate when someone is not receptive. I never thought they would become that way but they turned into human wrecks. As @riverman said, AA sponsoring could help them. They did not seek help. Their father died at 48. I really miss my brother in law. He tried to give them encouragement and opportunity and it seemed they were going to endure but after he died they became hopeless binge drinkers.
Yes, but it was a friend and not a relative. I did have two uncles who were nasty bad alcoholics. They both drank Alabama moonshine and chain smoked unfiltered cigarettes. We basically gave up on them. They died penniless and in squalor. One of them had diabetes and lost both his legs. He was a Veteran but couldn't get any VA care because he deserted the Army during WWII while stationed somewhere in the S.E. The other one was a success, owning three businesses and having four beautiful daughters. One evening his wife gave him some papers to sign. Those papers turned over his house to his wife who promptly divorced him. One of his daughters got her PhD in Chemical engineering and now teaches at Princeton alongside her husband who also got a PhD in Chemical engineering and also teaches at Princeton. He told me many times that he was glad his wife took the house because he would have lost it. His ex wife and four daughters never got in touch with him before he died. He was a war hero in both WWII and the Korean War in the paratroopers. Both stories are so sad that if my father hadn't railed against the evils of alcohol so ardently I would have cried over their tragic lives. Instead I just promised myself that I'd never turn out like that. My stepfather was an alcoholic and my mother use to talk about how AA got her thru. She even took me to one of their meetings. So, my advice is to either go to Alcoholics Anonymous or brace yourself for the worst. Incidentally, the alcoholic does not need to be the one who goes to AA, you can go yourself. My stepfather never attended any meetings. He was a different sort of alcoholic. He functioned professionally and brought the bacon home to support my mother and spend money on me and my brother.
My father told me and my brother that if we ever became alcoholics we would have to get the hell out of his house. That shook me up because I thought that no matter what, my father and I were tight. My grandfather was another sloppy drunk. He also drank Alabama moonshine and chain smoked unfiltered cigarettes, ate Southern food to excess, including a lot of fat back. Would get so drunk he'd chase everyone out of the house in a rage shouting he'd kill them. All the kids had to go out the windows and doors and hide in the woods. After breaking many of grandma's dishes, granddad would pass out on the bed and piss in his sleep. He lived into his 80s, amazing. Come on, everyone has an alcoholic in their family somewhere. I've had other alcoholic relatives but those three were the worst.
Yep. Tragic. One aunt on my father's side was an alcoholic and one Atlanta, Georgia on my mother's side was an alcoholic. My mom's two brothers and her other sister were not alcoholics nor was my father nor his four other sisters. I drank a lot in college, once consuming 18 glasses of beer but I never had a problem with it and now rarely drink.
If he won't talk to an AA sponsor try to contact Senior Disabled Services....the county may help you with this and provide some counselors to help out and lay down some parameters for him to keep his independence. What you don't need to do in my view is move anywhere...you're building a recording studio and have your own life to consider...drunks don't get to derail your life for their own self pity and irresponsible behavior. It's tough love time as UCD said earlier
Honestly not aware of any alcoholics in my family. Plenty of other problems, just not that. In fact Jews have one of the lowest rated of alcoholism in the world. Chinese even lower. Yet we are not teetotalers. Probably a combination of fortunate genetics, there is some genetic predisposition to alcohol addiction, and cultural, drunkenness is severely frowned on. As others have said and as I learned from former friend, it's damn near impossible to help someone who won't admit a problem. If your dad has a primary care doctor, try talking to him/ her. Wish I could provide a better answer.
