Sky news have just reported that Freddie Shepherd spoke to the stock exchange this morning regarding Newcastle nearly signing David Beckham, Andy Johnson, Dirk Kuyt, Tevez, Mascherano, Ballack, Schevchenko, Matt Upson, Boa Morte, and Sol Campbell. The statement was greeted with astonishment and then a deathly hush as the Chairman proudly announced the shock transfers who he nearly signed for the club in the summer and the last transfer window. Newcastle shares rocketed to ?1.81 on hearing the news of these near signings. Jose Mourinho was quick to reply on Sky News about the statement. He said "How can Chelsea complete with Newcastle on these terms, they are nearly buying all the top players, I see reports on TV that they nearly signed David Beckham and then only 24 hours later they nearly bought Dirk Kuyt in the summer - it's just spoiling the game". Sir Alex Ferguson was also quick to comment "This is ridiculous, Newcastle are once again nearly signing all the top players available, they nearly signed Wayne Rooney and they nearly signed Ronaldo. The whole thing needs sorting out or else their nearly signing players policy will ruin our beautiful game". A spokesman from Newcastle said these words in retaliation. "I have heard Jose Mourinhos and Alex Fergusons comments, and just because we are actively nearly signing the top players in the world does not mean that we are spoiling the game, we are just raising the standards of nearly signing players; players of the calibre of Ronaldinho and Zidane were also nearly signed". Freddy has since stated that, "This clubs policy for nearly signing players will continue for the forseeable future. We see no reason to bow to demands from other clubs and will scour the earth for players who will come close to joining us". "We must keep our fans happy, and what better way than for them to see world class players almost joining us.It keeps them coming back in their droves, and shirt sales are continuing to rocket"
