taken from espn.com I'm Playing Artest! Get Me Out Of Here! By Gino Bona Special to Page 2 Fear means different things to different people. Some people fear snakes. Others fear heights. And most of us fear the sight of Downtown Julie Brown without her makeup. For basketball players, fear is seeing the Indiana Pacers as your next opponent. That's because Ron Artest is a Pacer and his game owes more to Julius Peppers than it does to Julius Erving. You asked for it Snow. Artest registered his fifth suspension of the season after another hard foul Wednesday night against Philadelphia. His previous suspensions were for ordinary, run-of-the-mill infractions, such as destroying pricey A/V equipment, flexing and jawing with Heat coach Pat Riley, and smashing a framed picture of himself. At this rate, Artest is a lock to unseat Adam Sandler in the inevitable sequel to "Anger Management." The bottom line is that nobody's safe when Artest is on the basketball court. Coaches become noticeably quiet. Refs voluntarily wear Kevlar vests. Ball boys and girls feverishly think of their happy place. But it's the players who are at the greatest risk. Here at Page 2, we'd like to offer NBA players 10 tips on what to do -- and what to avoid -- when playing against the combustible Ron Artest. 1. Absolutely no trash talking Don't tease him about St. John's losing to Boston College in the Big East quarterfinals. Don't remind him that 15 players were taken before him in the '99 NBA draft. And don't say a peep about his ears resembling "American Idol" hopeful Clay Aiken's. If you insist on talking junk to Artest, you obviously choose not to live. 2. Don't attempt to draw an offensive charge Remember Levi's Super Bowl commercial where the buffaloes charged down the street and the two weirdos stood in their way? Miraculously, the buffaloes ran right by the couple without trampling them. (Terry Tate would've crushed 'em.) Well, there won't be any miracles on the basketball court if you get in the path of No. 23. Save the gutsy plays for a heartless team like the Clippers. 3.Beg Isiah Thomas to play a zone defense This won't assure that y ou won't be victimized by Artest, but it's better than being designated as Artest's target in a man-to-maniac defensive scheme. 4. If you steal the ball -- by all means -- give it right back to him Ask Eric Snow what happens when you pick Sir-Foul-A-Lot's pocket. After Philly's guard swiped the rock from Artest, he retaliated by tackling Snow for a three-yard loss. Let Artest keep the ball. It's not worth it if you can't wear shoulder pads. 5. Don't leave your feet Driving to the hole is completely out of the question. No dunks, no layups, no drive-and-dishes. Same goes for jump shots. Just settle for set shots and, when defending your ancient actions to reporters after the game, tell them you were paying tribute to the really old guys that paved the way for you. Finally, don't even jump if you're in a jump ball situation. Yes, you'll look stupid by just standing there, but you'll feel incredibly dumb explaining to your girlfriend that you fractured your fibula in a jump ball situation. 6. Increase the coverage on your life insurance policy Remember, life insurance isn't for those who die ... it's for those that live. When Artest gets hot, you'd be better off facing Terry Tate. 7. Impersonate Mike Piazza's face after getting plunked by Guillermo Mota Piazza looked like he graduated summa cum laude from the The Hulkamania School of Freaking Out and you can benefit from his higher learning. Record the clip of Piazza's crazed face -- an Instant Classic -- when he went after Mota and carefully study that evil expression. (You might need to inhale a pack of Hot Tamales and give yourself a squirt of pepper spray to obtain that precise shade of crimson.) Then -- once perfected -- bust it out the first time the Pacers bring the ball up court. Fight fire with fire, baby! 8. Complain of dizziness right before tipoff Hey, it worked for Vin Baker. 9. Get a courtside seat for Mr. Miyagi There's no better wingman than this martial arts maven disguised as a handyman. He had a fleet of classic whips and whooped every Cobra Kai pupil that messed with Danielson. Get this cat a seat next to Jack and he'll sand the floor with Artest faster than you can say, "Get him a bodybag!" 10. Request a trade to the Pacers And pray that Artest isn't shipped elsewhere.
Sir-Foul-A-Lot's ... pretty funny Yeah writers are just taking every opportunity to make fun of Artest's situation. Life under the microscope.
