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Eastoff

Eastoff

But it was a beginning.
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This one is for MarAzul.

Get well soon, buddy
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My late grandfather's two favourite jokes are both pretty bad


A man buys a parrot from a pet store. The parrot is quiet. When the man has guests to his house, the parrot starts cursing a blue streak, ****! ****! ****! *****! ******! Once the guests leave the outraged man warns the parrot if it acts like that again he'll put the parrot in the icebox. The parrot promises to behave next time. Guests come over some time after that and the parrot starts cursing again. When they leave the man pulls the parrot out of the cage and shoves it into the icebox. 30 minutes later he comes back and takes the parrot out, shivering. He puts the parrot back in the cage. After a while the man asks the parrot if it will behave from now on. The parrot promises it will unequivocally but has a question for the man. "What is it?" he asks. "What did the chicken do?" says the parrot.


Three married ladies are waiting for a bus. The lady on the left turns to the lady in the middle and starts on about her lawyer husband. "He drives a Cadillac and he bought us a 6000-sqft house. Every night we have steak and wine for dinner. We have a cottage and a boat and our children get straight-A's in school." "That's nice," replies the lady in the middle. The woman to her right then turns to her and starts on about her doctor husband. "He is the head pediatrician at the biggest hospital in town. He bought me a mink coat and more jewelry than I wear. Twice a year we go to Paris." "That's nice," replies the lady in the middle. "What does your husband do?" ask the two ladies, in unison, of the middle lady. "My husband's a speech therapist. He taught me how to say 'that's nice' when every time I just used to say BULLSHIT!"
 
The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."
  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"
  13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"
  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
  19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
 
Where does the president keep his armies?

In his sleevies.
 
http://www.myfoxny.com/story/26269397/dog-elected-mayor-in-minnesota

Dog elected mayor in Minnesota

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A small Minnesota village has a new mayor. Duke, the dog is Cormorant's newest mayor.

The 12 people who live there elected the 7-year-old dog as its leader.

Duke may not understand politics too well but he's been doing a great job guarding the town.

He even makes sure cars aren't going past the speed limit.

Duke will be sworn in on Sunday.
 
Is Cormorant's new mayor a good boy? If not, who is? Who's a good boy?

An answer to this question and more tonight on WCMW Fox News at 7.
 
speeds said:
Is Cormorant's new mayor a good boy? If not, who is? Who's a good boy?

An answer to this question and more tonight on WCMW Fox News at 7.
Click to expand...

They don't have video of the dog smoking crack yet.
 
A fisherman picks up a prostitute. As they are doing their business he asks her, How am I doing?

She says to him Well you are pulling 3 knots. You're not hard, not in, and not getting your money back!
 
Q: What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets?

A: Wookieeleaks
 
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