From the local paper... You know the feeling you get in your gut when something happens that is so obviously wrong that the mere idea offends you? I'm talking about when something happens that attacks the very foundation of what you hold sacred -- like doing something that cheapens the Super Bowl? No, this has nothing to do with Janet Jackson. I'm over that. In fact, I haven't even looked at the videotape in weeks. This is worse than Janet Jackson -- or even Michael Jackson. Jacksonville. Yes, I thought I had accepted the disgraceful fact that a Super Bowl was going to be played in Jacksonville, but I can't accept it. It's just so wrong. As Abby Goodnough recently wrote in The New York Times: "But what is Jacksonville, other than a blur outside your window en route to Disney?" Here's the quote Abby got from Jacksonville Mayor John Peyton: "We were known as the town of smells and odors, the schools were failing, the river was polluted, the sewers overflowing, and all the politicians were getting indicted." Y'all come, y'hear? Jacksonville would have you believe it has put all that behind it. Its Super Bowl host committee has lists of "Jax Facts" to promote the place such as it's Florida's least hurricane-prone coastal city. Impressed? Guess what? We have some "Jax Facts" of our own: JACKSONVILLE'S TOP 10 REASONS FOR STAYING AWAY 10. Slim Whitman. There's nothing wrong with old Slim, except he's their leading celebrity -- not counting the surviving Munchkin that lives there. 9. Night life. Let's see, they've got bats, owls and gators. That's about it. 8. Dog tracks. I like dog tracks, but when that's where you take out-of-towners to show off, well, it's lacking something. 7. Jaguars. Because of falling attendance, they're thinking about putting black curtains in parts of their stadium's upper decks. Remember when the Orlando Miracle did that and how embarrassing it was? This is the NFL, friends. 6. "Entertainment Zone." That's the politically correct term for a downtown area near the stadium. In the old days we called it "red-light district." 5. Cruise ships. They don't have any decent hotels, so they are bringing in eight cruise ships. Have you ever slept on a cruise ship? 4. Cruise ship waste. Uh, they're going to be docked, so what happens to the, you know, waste products? Maybe they'll dump it into the St. John's River, because who's going to notice? 3. Panhandlers. Actually, Jacksonville has taken steps with a new law that can place panhandlers in jail for mere loitering. At least this is not as severe as how Athens is handling its stray dog problem. 2. Town slogans. Jacksonville does have a newspaper, which asked readers to suggest promotional slogans for the city. My favorite: "It's Not That Bad." And the top reason to stay away from Jacksonville: 1. The Great Fire. Granted, it happened in 1901, but it was the last significant thing that happened there -- unless you count the last time a dog track opened.
