Conspiracy at Target Center: The Untold Story (Randy Wittman runs into Don Overbeck at Abercrombie & Fitch in the Mall of America as both are doing some last minute holiday shopping....) Wittman: So I heard you got kicked out the door too Don? Overbeck: Have you checked out the Timberwolves Holiday 3 Pack? But its not really a 3-pack because you get 4 games for $60? Its unreal! Wittman: Excuse me? Overbeck: "Ball Talk", me and you? Wittman: My gosh they really did get to you....you’ve been brain-washed to say whatever they want! Overbeck: Hot dogs, Timberwolves, Target Center Oh Great Edifice, Holiday Pack, Big Al, 10 Game-Packs! Wittman: I think I may know who is behind this… Overbeck: Rashad McCants? Wittman: No not Rashad McCants, come with me Don, we have work to do! (Wittman and Overbeck begin their journey towards Target Center but the two have to take a short pit stop as Wittman spots a 2 for 1 boxer deal at Macy's and Overbeck spots a hot dog stand, eventually the two hit the road.) Meanwhile at Target Center..... (Taylor holds a meeting with fellow council members, McHale, Stack and Hoiberg.) Taylor: Guys our masterful plan is working, soon we will eliminate every Timberwolves fan in the state of Minnesota! McHale has done a masterful job destroying our team with his trades and draft picks, the marketing department continues to put up horrible campaigns and we hired the worst coach in the NBA, Randy Wittman to top things off. As we all know, to keep the act believable we had to fire Wittman, but don’t worry my friends, my buddy McHale here will keep things ugly out there on the court. Little do the people of Minnesota know what we are up to hahaha! All Four Guys: WHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHA (Wittman Walks into the meeting) Wittman: Hey Guys Stack: Randy how many times do we have to tell you this, your not in the group anymore! Hoiberg: Yeah your totally not cool anymore! McHale: Yeah what they said… Wittman: I’m not here to beg my way into the group anymore, I know what you guys are up to! I know what you did to Overbeck! Overbeck: Master Glen, what can I do for thy? Timberwolves...Timberwolves...Timberwolves...My precious! Wittman: Look at what you have done to him, you've brain-washed the poor guy! Taylor: Haha, you finally figured things out huh Wittman? Wittman: You people are sick. Mchale: I knew we could never trust this guy, all he wanted to do was win. Taylor: Randy let me ask you a question, why do you think we hired you as a coach? Wittman: Well obviously because I have a great basketball mind, you know I did play for Bobby Knight and... Taylor: Shut up, no, no, enough of the Bobby Knight crap, you were brought in here because you were the worst coach we could find. We only hired you because we knew you would stink up the place and never win more than 25 games a season. We knew that only you would be stupid enough to play guys like Jaric and Walker over our younger players and of course we knew that you are also the only coach in the NBA that draws numbers out of a hat to determine how many minutes a guy will play each game. Boy you sure knew how to please the fans here in Minnesota. Oh things couldnt't have worked any better! Wittman: Well I’ve won more games than Kevin this season! Taylor: Don’t you dare talk to my Kevin like that! Don’t listen to him Kevin, your doing a great job. Wittman: I hate all of you guys I thought we were friends. Taylor: No Wittman we were never friends, you were just a small piece to the puzzle in our masterful plan to destroy every Timberwolves fan in Minnesota. And you did a marvelous job in your tenure. Unfortunately, people were starting to catch on so we had to let you go to make it look like we are actually trying to win. Wittman: I can’t believe it, I knew this was to good to be true, no one would ever let me, Randy Wittman, become a head coach after my Cav's tenure. Let me just ask you one thing..why? Why are you doing this to the great people of Minnesota? Taylor: Because I can, all my life I have been successful and now it’s time to be unsuccessful. It’s just something I want to check off on my "to-do list" before I die. Wittman: To be unsuccessful? Taylor: Yes, I just crossed off skydiving with Kevin last weekend and now this one is almost complete. Wittman: You will never get away with this, the people of Minnesota will find out! I'm heading straight to Tom Hanneman right now! Taylor: We have taken every precaution in order for this secret to be safe. (Taylor gets on his 2-Way, Oliver and Stanley we need your assistance here) Oliver Miller and Stanley Roberts appear in the room wearing T-Shirts that say "Glen's Body guards" http://www.timberwolvespress.com/roberts.jpg Taylor: Boys will you please escort this two to the brainwashing department so that they will never remember this conversation. Wittman: No this cant be, Oliver and Stanley I thought you were good guys… Roberts/Miller: Money talks Randy... Overbeck: Have you checked out the Timberwolves Holiday 3-Pack but its not really a 3-Pack because you get 4 games for $60? McHale: Haha we still have him saying that. Taylor: Hey Don nice glasses Hahahahaha! Get these two fools out of here! Meanwhile at the Timberwolves Marketing Department.... Marketing Boss: We’ve tried everything guys, we tried shrinking a guy with an afro, we found a random guy off the streets named Don and yet Timberwolves fans are still somehow showing up to the arena. Steve(the marketing intern): Sir, Overbeck was pretty bad, I think we did a good job, the fans really hated him and ticket sales are down. Boss: Yeah well that's not a good enough for me, we need something worse…. Steve: We could bring back Sweetwater Jones and shrink him even more to make him even more annoying? Boss: Good idea but its still not good enough, we need someone even more evil and even more annoying... Steve: What about making a commercial where we bring back some of our horrible draft picks along with the players we should have taken in the past few years to remind Timberwolves fans how much we screwed up? Boss: My god I think you may be on to something. If we can get a group of guys like Ndudi Ebi, Paul Grant, Will Avery, and Rick Rickert along with guys we should have had like Danny Granger, Brandon Roy, OJ Mayo and Al Thornton to mock Timberwolves fans....they will surely never want to attend another game! Steve: You do realize this will literally make every Timberwolves fan not want to come to a game? And why are we doing this again, we wont have a job if we don’t sell tickets. Boss: Because its what Glens wants Steve! And what Glen wants is what we will do! 1 Month Later...A New Commercial Appears on the Air http://www.timberwolvespress.com/roywolves.jpg http://www.timberwolvespress.com/wolvesmayo.jpg Brandon Roy: Hey Timberwolves fans remember us? Hi I'm Brandon Roy... Hi I'm Danny Granger... Hi I'm OJ Mayo... Hi I'm Al Thornton... All in Unison: We all could be playing for the Timberwolves but instead we are playing for other teams! Doesn't that suck Minnesota? Man we would be so good together in Minnesota. Kevin Garnett would probably still be here if we were here too! Member him Minnesota?, he won a championship last year! Oh well lets turn it over to some other friends of ours... Ndudi Ebi: Hi I'm Ndudi Ebi... Hi I'm Paul Grant... Hi I'm Will Avery... Hi I'm Rick Rickert... http://www.timberwolvespress.com/ebiwolves.jpg Ebi: We are so happy that the Timberwolves drafted us, look at how great we turned out! Thanks for being such great fans to us and make sure to check out Ndudi Ebi night Dec 18th against the Cavs where the first 5000 fans will get to meet me Ndudi Ebi, cause I'm just that cool! (Wink) Marketing Boss: There you go Glen, I think this may finally sicken every Timberwolves fan in the state to the point of death, they surely will never want to think of the Timberwolves again after this! Glen: I sure hope so.... Good work, Whahahahahha!
