I like to read the ESPN.com chats that they have throughout the day, and DJ Gallo (Sportspickle.com founder/writer, and Page 2 contributor) had a chat this afternoon, and it's seriously the funniest chat I have ever read.DJ Gallo: (1:01 PM ET ) SportsNation: Thank you for having me back. Tiger Woods is not wearing his trademark mock turtleneck today and he is over par. Coincidence? I think not. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sean, Salt Lake City, UT: Does Andre Kirilenko have the best hair in the NBA? DJ Gallo: (1:02 PM ET ) It's up there, but it's not the best. I think Matt Barnes has the best hair in the NBA. (Assuming that's real human hair. It may be a pelt.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Michelle Wie (Hawaii): why does everybody hate me? DJ Gallo: (1:03 PM ET ) Michelle, you know better. No communicating with the outside world unless everything you plan to say has been vetted by your agent and father. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jason Giambi (NY NY): DJ, should I talk!!!! DJ Gallo: (1:04 PM ET ) Yes. You called out MLB on the steroids issue and now you need to face the music. Just make sure to take some amphetamines before going in to chat so you don't tire before the meeting is over. Also, shower. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Brandon, Bismarck, ND: Being a Timberwolves fan, can you give me any inside information on what Kevin Mchale is going to do to ruin this years free agency/draft? I am sure it will involve throwing our number one pick in on a deal. DJ Gallo: (1:06 PM ET ) I think McHale will do fine in the draft. Where he'll go wrong is signing the guy to an illegal contract that loses Minnesota draft picks for years to come. Not that it will matter. He will be gone by then, co-running the mighty Celtics with Danny Ainge. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Andy (Ann Arbor, MI): Watching Parker, Ginobili, and Side-Show Bob take so may flops and dives during the NBA Finals, I often thinking I'm watching a World Cup Soccer game for a moment. I was wondering if you get confused too? DJ Gallo: (1:08 PM ET ) This is one of the downsides of the internationalization (real word? who knows!) of the NBA. Now, I'm not saying that people from other countries are weak, just that USA RULZ!! OMG! WE R GR8! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A gaggle of screaming girls: WAAAAAAAHHHH! DJ we love you!!!!!!!! DJ Gallo: (1:09 PM ET ) I know this is fake, wise guy. Screaming girls do not come in gaggles. Screaming girls are in schools. At least that's what Elijah Dukes tells me. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tim (Detroit): Chris Kaman has the best hair in the NBA. DJ Gallo: (1:11 PM ET ) That is not hair. That is his scalp decomposing and long strips of hanging skin and dandruff. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cam (PA): Do you have any tips for an up-and-coming pole vaulting phenomenom? DJ Gallo: (1:13 PM ET ) Most definitely. Here's what I'd do ... Nevermind. Her dad's attorney just showed up and threatened me with a lawsuit. Interesting fact: her dad's attorney? Quite a looker himself. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sutton (Philadelphia): Whats your take on Dale Jr? DJ Gallo: (1:15 PM ET ) I actually watched part of his press conference yesterday. A reporter asked him if he would feel his career is incomplete if he never wins a championship. He replied -- to paraphrase -- "Not really. I'm just happy to make a living." Now that's fire in the belly! "I just want to finish in the middle of the pack and pay my mortgage, daddy." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jeremy (Memphis): What do you think about Phil Hellmuth winning his 11th bracelet? DJ Gallo: (1:17 PM ET ) Who cares. I have 14 jelly bracelets from the '80s. I don't walk around all arrogant about it. Ooooh! You have a lot of bracelets. Girl. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Eddie (Fresno): Do you think David Stern makes sure the Spurs make the finals every couple of years so the WNBA looks goodin comparison? DJ Gallo: (1:18 PM ET ) I like your theory, if not your spacing. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jeremy (Memphis): Why are people so freaking stupid? Michelle Wie withdraws before she is about to get banned for the rest of the year and two days later she is practicing on the range. I hate stupid people. DJ Gallo: (1:20 PM ET ) Maybe you are the stupid one, Jeremy. Ever think of that? Michelle Wie is so amazing -- just read every article written about her from 2004-2006 -- that she heals faster than everyone else. She's just like that cheerleader girl from Heroes. Only not an actual cheerleader. (As it's bad for team spirit if your cheerleader quits before the game is over.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chad (Madison, WI): Who wins in an MLB hotdog eating contest? Prince Fielder or Miguel Cabrera? DJ Gallo: (1:21 PM ET ) All sports hot dog eating contests would be won by Carson Palmer. The man knows his way around a sausage. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------James (Silent Hill): What do you think goes through a woman's head as she's lying naked outside surrounded by a huge camera crew? I've always wondered what models and actresses are thinking about in those moments. DJ Gallo: (1:23 PM ET ) So this is a sports question because ... oh, right. Amanda Beard. I think there are two thoughts: 1) I bet you wish you had attended my third grade chorus recidal now, dad; and 2) If I open my legs a little more, people will be able to see my personality better. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dave (Wilmington, DE): If you had to spend a romantic long weekend in the Poconos with any major league baseball manager *except* Eric Wedge, who would you choose and why? DJ Gallo: (1:25 PM ET ) I get asked this question all the time. I'd definitely go with Charlie Manuel. Watching champagne pool in his bellybutton and then spill over the top and run down his moutainous stomach would be a site to behold. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bradley (Alhambra, CA): How soon before someone dies in MMA? DJ Gallo: (1:25 PM ET ) When does Johnnie Morton fight again? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mike (Fort Lauderdale): Why have you gotten so lazy w/ sportspickle? You don't even do a full update on Wednesdays anymore... DJ Gallo: (1:28 PM ET ) What in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks are you talking about? Everything goes up on Wednesday, my Ponder This column goes up on Thursday and during football season I do a picks column on Fridays. Sure, my work ethic would make me seem lazy in fast-paced Fort Lauderdale, but I'm not apologizing to anyone. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hampton (New Jersey): Do you have any qualifications, other than being funny? DJ Gallo: (1:29 PM ET ) Wow. You are misinformed. I'm not funny. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jeremy (Bellevue, Wa): Seems like an uninformed opion by little Brad.. MMA has added rules?! Besides the 'World's Most Dangerous Man' retired! If he cant kill someone who can?! DJ Gallo: (1:31 PM ET ) I think he was referring to Chuck Liddell. A few more weeks like that in Vegas, and he will die of alcohol poisoning. Other than that sort of behavior, though, he is a very dedicated "athlete." A credit to his "sport." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Christine (fresno, ca): So Tiger is 2 over and 4 back, does he have the field right where he wants them? DJ Gallo: (1:31 PM ET ) Please. Follow the rules. There can be no mention of Woods not leading a tournament without using the words "Tiger" and "lurking." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Eric (Pittsburgh): Ponder this isn't up yet. Care to reconsider your answer? DJ Gallo: (1:34 PM ET ) Is it not still Thursday? Is it not?! By the way, Eric, I will be visiting your burgh this weekend to watch the mighty Pirates and the US Open. How many golfer do you think purposely miss the cut so they can spend the weekend watching Pirates baseball. 70? 100? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sterling (West Virginia): DJ, what will be the winning score for the US Open? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sterling (West Virginia): Do the Dolphins have the best D in the AFC East? DJ Gallo: (1:36 PM ET ) Sterling has apparently not looked in on one of my chats before. Sterling, I do not answer serious sports questions because I do not know anything about sports. But I will try to answer your questions: 1) No, Nebraska's defense is better; and 2) 19. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jason (Ida Grove, Iowa): Are there drinking games or anything else that could make Game 4 of the Finals worth watching? DJ Gallo: (1:37 PM ET ) Watch the game without drinking ... watch the game while drinking. Either way you're going to throw up. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jim Ballisle (R.I.M Headquarters): D.J, with my purchase of the NHL's Nashville Peds, can or will I break the old boys club of the owners and all their crazy backroom deals with Bettman to bring my club back to Canada, where the game belongs? DJ Gallo: (1:39 PM ET ) Heh-heh. Your name is Ball Isle. What part of Ball Isle do you live on, Jim? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Joe (Piscataway, NJ): Is there anyway to disbar the entire NL East from the postseason? DJ Gallo: (1:40 PM ET ) I assume by "East" you mean "Central"? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Pete (LA): What's your favorite sports teams out of all the four major sports? Let me guess: Bengals, Knicks, Texans, and Ducks. DJ Gallo: (1:41 PM ET ) Close. You got the "-s" at the end of the names right. (That's right, suck it Minnesota Wild! I ain't go no love for you!) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Insan (Stamford, CT): Hey DJ, I just got my copy of your book from Amazon, and so far its really good. Sorry it took so long to get it, I found out last week that it was available when you mentioned it in your chat introduction. I recommend doing that again for more free advertising. It works! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jay (Buffalo NY): Just wanted to say I bought your book and it rocks!! Thought you'd like the opportunity for someone else to plug your book for once DJ Gallo: (1:43 PM ET ) Look, people. I do not care for self-promotion. And I don't want these kinds of posts. (Because you did not include the Amazon link for people to purchase it.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Kevin (Manassas): Yeah....didn't the NL Central Cardinals win it all last year, just like the NL Central Cubs will win it all this year. It does not matter what your record was in the regular season....once the post-season starts, all teams are equal. DJ Gallo: (1:44 PM ET ) Kevin, you are like the modern day MLK, Jr. Chills, my man. Chills. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Chris (AZ): Gallo, Why can't I find my hat? DJ Gallo: (1:45 PM ET ) It's on you head. (Don't worry. That happens to me all the time, too.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Gotti Kids (New Jersey): D.J, In looking at your profile photo it looks like you might be trying to sport the track suit look and I hate to break it to you, but that is our look, when shall we be expecting the copywrite cheque in the mail? DJ Gallo: (1:46 PM ET ) You had me going until you spelled "check" "cheque." I doubt the Gotti kids can spell basic words, let alone fancified words. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Larry (Motesburg): That steroid comment on ESPNEWS was hilarious, any restrictions to what you can say on here? DJ Gallo: (1:50 PM ET ) That comment, by the way, was cut off in the snippet that is on Page 2. All of the good comments always are. Honest. No, really ... I'm serious. I say funny stuff all the time. Really. I crack my friends up so much the often have to leave the room. And go home. And then never visit again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ryan (Hartford): In a recent study it was found 65% of men and 15% of women look at porn on the internet. Also, the other 35% of men. DJ Gallo: (1:51 PM ET ) Ryan will be in Hartford all week, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for, Ryan! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Todd (WI): How did Phil Mickelson really hurt his wrist? some sort of snack related mishap? DJ Gallo: (1:52 PM ET ) Was showering after a round, got his hand stuck in his cleavage, and dislocated it trying to pull it out. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jarric (Kansas): Frankie from Real World San Diego died. Are you sad? DJ Gallo: (1:54 PM ET ) I have never watched one episode of Real World. I am quite proud of this. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jon (Boston): I find you to be a smug uphappy little man DJ Gallo: (1:56 PM ET ) Close. I am smug. I am NOT uphappy. I am 6-foot-2, 190 pounds. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jack Del Rio (Floriduh): I'm trying to corner the market on black quarterbacks. Do you know the whearabouts of James Harris? DJ Gallo: (1:58 PM ET ) I like the sociological experiment Jack Del Rio is undertaking. If the starting quarterback and every other quarterback on the roster is black, can the fans still be called racists if they boo the starter and want to have the backup play? I eaglerly await his academic paper. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ron (Clarks Summit, PA): I'm 6-foot-1, 215 pounds. Would that make me uphappy? DJ Gallo: (1:59 PM ET ) Yes. But it's not because of your weight. It's because you live NEAR Scranton, but not IN Scranton. Tough break. Some of us will never achieve our dreams. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mike (Stillwater, MN): Hey DJ- if you were asked, would you ever consider going on a "serious" sports show such as The Sports Reporters? I know the odds of that happening are even less than the odds of Michael Vick joining PETA, but still. DJ Gallo: (2:04 PM ET ) Sure. But I wouldn't be invited because I'm not a "journalist." Also, I have a tiff with Mitch Albom because he stole his "Tuesdays With Morrie" idea from me. I wrote a transcript 12 years ago called "Thursday Mornings Between 10:15 and 11:45 a.m. With Morty." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bevan (Utah): why is paris hilton allowed to drive a vehicle? if your parents are billionaires and you're going out on the town to drink and rid yourself of nosehair, why not hire a limo service or your friend billy to drive? DJ Gallo: (2:06 PM ET ) Cocaine as a means to rid oneself of noisehair? Interesting. Into the trash for you, electric nosehair trimmer! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Jessica Alba: Why didn't you call me back? DJ Gallo: (2:08 PM ET ) I'm in my mid-20s now, Jessica. I want more than just a physical relationship. (I want more than you slapping me while I try to touch you.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Michael Vick: Are you interested in any 'like-new' Pit Bull pups? I'm looking to unload a few. DJ Gallo: (2:10 PM ET ) Yes. Just bury them in your backyard, and I'll pick them up when I can. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Peter King (SI): You promised me a date a few chats ago. I want to share an iced mocha with you. Two straws. DJ Gallo: (2:11 PM ET ) Please read this article and search for "Peter King": http://www.stlsportsmag.com/index.php?postid=387 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Reginald (Denver): Who was a more influencial president? George Washington or Abraham Lincoln? DJ Gallo: (2:14 PM ET ) Well, obviously, Millard Fillmore is the assumed most influencial president. Then Washington, then Lincoln, then Rutherford B. Hayes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Michael Barrett (Chicago): Why does my pitching staff hate me? DJ Gallo: (2:15 PM ET ) You have a certain AJ Pierzynski-esque way about you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cyrus (San Francisco, CA): He's so AJ Pierzynski-esque that he punched AJ Pierzynski in the face. DJ Gallo: (2:17 PM ET ) I forgot about that. Michael Barrett is my new hero. (Sorry, Millard Fillmore! We had a good run.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Cynthia (NY, NY): Hey DJ, any advice on how I should pass the time before my husband A-Rod signs another huge contract and I divorce him and take half? DJ Gallo: (2:19 PM ET ) No. But try to contact Juanita Jordan and ask her advice. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Millard Fillmore (the White House in the sky): How dare you turn your back on me!!! DJ Gallo: (2:20 PM ET ) Well, it was bound to end some day anyway, Millard. You are not a Whig, and I have always been a staunch supporter of Whigs. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Martin (Baltimore): According to the Baltimore Sun, Ray Ray has added kick-boxing to his training regimen. Do you think God approves of his linebacker in such a violent activity? DJ Gallo: (2:22 PM ET ) It's so he can beat up Satan and lead us all to a pious, Ray Lewis-like life. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Kevin (NJ): HA! I know I was right. You dig soccer and don't want to admit it. DJ Gallo: (2:24 PM ET ) I don't know where you are getting this because I don't think soccer has come up in this chat. But, yes, I do dig soccer and have admitted it. But only World Cup soccer, because it's the best. (After the MLS, of course ... but that's assumed a la President Fillmore.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ty (KS): My roommate is looking into getting his own stash of penicilin because he's got the clap for the 4th time. Thoughts? DJ Gallo: (2:25 PM ET ) Ty, inappropriate. A lot of people know that we are roomates. Please keep this to yourself from now on. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Millard Filmore (again): Actually DJ, I was a Whig. Go back to school young man DJ Gallo: (2:28 PM ET ) The whole point of this chat was for you all to learn something about our nation's history. My plan worked. Millard Fillmore was a Whig. With that I will call it a chat and bid adieu. /gives secret Whig handshake
