have been issued by the DolfanDale Weather Service for the Seattle area. It seems that the incessant crying by Seahawks' fans have endangered a city that is just coming off a record 27 day rain streak. Experts are saying that the new record may be smashed in the wake of a building temper tantrum of biblical proportions. In related news, the Seattle Zoo has blocked off the zebra section and the FBI has been brought in to relocate the zebras through their witness protection program. This action was taken after one of the zebras was found dyed yellow and black with a wad of twenty dollar bills stuck in his mouth. The zebra will be okay, but will require therapy. Despite the FBI's rapid response, the relocation process has been less than smooth. Controversy broke out when a rather sloppy and dripping refugee named Eli was waiting in line to be processed. Eli told one of our correspondants, "I will go anywhere but San Diego." It was at that time a zoo keeper yelled, "Your not going anywhere, you jackass. Now go back to your exhibit so your handlers can wash off that paint." Shortly after the incident, Drew Rosenhaus issued the following statement, "Eli is good jackass. I love this jackass. I'm not just saying that because we're related. I just wish the media would treat him more fairly, but we all know that's impossible considering the East Coast Bias against West Coast Zebras."
News update - Homeless men have quit panhandling outside of Qwest Field after a series of muggings where they have had their cardboard houses destroyed and "I will work for food" signs stolen. In related news, Texas A&M officials have informed the Seattle Seahawks that they have a copyright on the phrase, "Superbought XL."
