It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
a young boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigerette and asks him if he could have one, "Well, says the grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" and the boys says, "No grandpa". Well then you can't have one.. A little while later grandpa walks into the kitchen & sees the boy having milk & cookies and he asks the boy if he could have one of his cookies. The boy says, "well grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" And the grandpa says, "yes it can". "Good says the little boy, now go fuck yourself because they're my cookies".
I heard that joke years ago and I still laugh myself to death, the version I heard used the phrase Give me some God Dam Corn Flakes. Most couples who have had kids get a real charge on it.
ROFLMFAO...!!! I can't get find Comedy this good in Vegas, or the Comedy Club....!!! Touche guys-thanks for the gift of LAUGHTER-hysterical laughter.
Did you ever notice that when you put a stick in the water that it looks bent? well that's why I don't take baths. I wonder if infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery. I spilled spot remover on my dog & now he's gone. The other day I bought one them camouflage shirts, I put it in my closet & now I can't find it. I've heard that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
...already sent this to rick and tote, but I thought I'd share it. The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers. "Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay . "Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch. Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
From the little johnny file.... One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
Totus, are you drinking early today? I already told this joke. See post #25. Must be where you heard it before.
There is no finer Seafood than Alaska's bountiful mother lode. No wonder those Halibut are 100 lbs. the King Crab as big as a Man. Plenty to feed on in those deep waters...!!
...King Crab is perhaps the finest meat I have ever tasted. We don't get it much down here, and so we usually have to settle for snow crab legs @ $8.99 a pound...good crab meat but not up there with King Crab. ...butter, lemon,...nuff said.
...^^^just now saw this...great example of a joke that is so f'n funny that it actually causes you to spew your Chee-tos and beer.
A poet and redneck were the finalists in a poetry reading contest. Their final performance to declare a winner was for each man to write and recite a quatrain that ended with the word Timbuktu. The poet was called first reciting: Across the burning desert sands, Rolled the mighty caravan. Men on horseback two by two, Destination Timbuktu! The audience gave him a nice round of applause figuring no way could the redneck top that. When the redneck was called he recited: Me and Tim a camping went, Met three hookers in a pop up tent. They was three and we was two, I bucked one and Timbuktu The redneck won hands down
