They call sex between 3 people a threesome They call sex between 2 people a twosome I finally understand why some of you think you're handsome
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. And, not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen any since."
This guy gets sent to prison. He's understandably nervous, but meets his cell mate, who doesn't seem that bad. He tells the new guy to relax, and says it's not that bad. The cell mate asks if he likes music, and the new guy says yes. "Well, you're gonna love Monday's because they bring in different composers and we get to listen to beautiful classical music all day" the guy responds "great that sounds nice" and the cell mate says "and on Tuesdays they bring in great chefs for food day. We have a great time because it's the one day a week we don't have to eat prison food. Tge new inmate says "that sounds good too" The older inmate asks if he likes to excercise because Wednesday is excersize day. We do such fun stuff. We go out on the river and go water skiing, go fishing and have a great time. The new inmate says thats not all that bad. What about Thursday the new inmate asks. The old cell mate asks if he is gay. He says no. you probably like Thursday then
One year I rolled over an IRA and didn't report it until almost a year went by. My father was a CPA and did all of my taxes. I gave him all of my papers in a single folder which he figured out and made out my return. I forgot to tell him about the roll over so when my return got audited the IRS said I owed them because of the extra unreported income. I got a letter from the IRS saying I owed more taxes plus interest. I turned it over to my father explaining that I had made a roll over without telling the government or my father. He redid my tax return and sent them an amended return with a cover letter. The cover letter explained my error and said that a new calculation showed that instead of me owing the IRS, they actually owed me a couple thousand more. My father mailed all this to me from his home in Seaside to my home in Seattle. When I read his cover letter I broke out laughing. I
A marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan. That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realizes there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on... "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
Mechanic vs. Heart Surgeon A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work. The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic..... “Try doing it with the engine running."
The local Mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, thinking the accountant wouldn't be able to overhear their more "delicate" discussions. One day, the boss realized that a sum of $10 million was missing and went to confront the accountant. Since the boss didn't know sign language, he took his attorney with him who did know sign language. The boss told the attorney to ask the accountant where he put the $10 million. The attorney and accountant conversed in sign language and the attorney translated for the boss, telling him that the accountant didn't know what the boss was talking about. The boss took out a gun and aimed it at the accountant. He instructed the attorney to ask the accountant again. The conversation occurred in sign language between the attorney and the accountant. This time the accountant told the attorney that the money was under his cousin Lorenzo's patio. The boss asked the attorney what the accountant had said and the attorney reported, "He said you don't have the guts to pull that trigger." A lawyer calls home to talk to his wife, and the maid answers the phone. "Where's my wife?" "She's upstairs in bed with another man." "I'll pay you $100,000 and get you safely out of the country if you find my gun and kill them both. I'llstay on the line while you do it." "Si, Senor." He hears two shots, then thump, thump, thump,thump,splash, thump, thump, thump, thump, splash. The maid comes back to the phone, "I did it." "What did you do?" "I killed them both, and dumped their bodies in the pool." "What pool? Is this 555-3624?"
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.' The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.' After a very considerable time, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club.
There was once a magician who performed sleight-of-hand tricks on a cruise ship. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the on-board parrot who would fly around squawking and giving away his secrets like: "IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE, IT'S UP HIS SLEEVE!" "IT'S IN HIS POCKET, IT'S IN HIS POCKET!" "IT'S IN HIS MOUTH, IT'S IN HIS MOUTH!" The magician was getting pretty sick of it and threatened to kill the parrot if it ruined his act one more time. That evening right at the climax of his act, just as he was about to disappear in a puff of smoke, the ship hit an iceberg and sank in just seconds. Amazingly, the magician and the parrot were the only two survivors. The magician was lying on a piece of driftwood in a daze. As he opened his eyes he could see the parrot staring at him out of its beady little eyes. The parrot sat there for hours just staring at him and eventually said, "OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
The Lone Ranger was captured by Indians, and was about to be put to death. The Chief spoke, "Since you are the great Lone Ranger I will grant you 3 wishes and kill you after the Harvest festival in 3 days.” The Lone Ranger said, "for my first with, I want to talk to my horse." The Chief thought it was an odd request, but consented, and Silver was led around to the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse went galloping away. Later that night, Silver came back with a stunningly beautiful blonde woman in the saddle. The Lone Ranger took the blonde into his tent where they spent the night together. The next morning the Lone Ranger asked the Chief, "I want to see my horse again." "Again?" the Chief sighed and reluctantly agreed. The Lone Ranger whispered into Silver's ear, and the horse went galloping away. Later the next night, Silver returned, this time with a beautiful redhead in the saddle. The Lone Ranger and the woman went into his tent and spent the night together. The Lone Ranger said, "For my 3rd wish, I want to see my horse again, but this time alone" The Chief reluctantly agreed After the Chief left, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver's reins and shouted at him, "Now listen, you stupid mother fucker: I said bring POSSE!!"
How pissed was Kamala Harris after first hearing that they gave Joe Biden the boot, only to find out it was one for his broken foot?
So, in the old West days these two best friends decide to prospect for gold. They go to this gold mining camp way out in nowhere. They go to the country store and get all their supplies and head out to go prospecting. Well, they're having some good luck and decide they need some more supplies because it's been a while. They ask the clerk in a whisper, "Say, what do you guys do way out here for sex? I haven't seen any women." The clerk replies "We drill a hole in a board and line it with leather and use that." "Oh My God" Replies the prospector and heads out with his supplies. Every month the two come into the small town to get new supplies and then one time one prospector comes in alone. The clerk says "What happened to your buddy?" The prospector replies "Had to shoot him." The clerk then asks "But why?" The prospector says "Caught him with my board."
