There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on a shore looking like an idiot. To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research...Steven Wright
Three men go to heaven and there are ducks everywhere... Saint Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks" The first man steps on one duck and Saint Peter's brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!" The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does Saint Peter's also brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will also be chained with an ugly girl for eternity!!!" The third man has seen enough and months he tries his best not to step on a duck and tries to be as cautious as possible. After a year in Heaven Saint Peter's brings a pretty girl and he is chained with her for eternity. Third man: How did I ever get chained with a pretty girl like you for eternity? Pretty girl: I don't know but I stepped on a duck...
Hell's Angels mama goes to a tattoo parlor and says, " I want Paul Newman on my left inner thigh and Robert Redford on my right one" The guy does the work and she goes home to her biker old man to show him....she asks if he recognizes them....He says, " The one on the left sort of looks like Paul Newman and the one on the right sort of looks like Robert Redford but the one in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson!"
Got my first prostate exam. About 1/2 way through my dr told me "no reason to be embarrassed, erections happen all the time. I said to the dr that I didn't have an erection. Then he said "I was talking about me" I should have known something was up when I asked him where to put my pants and he said "over on the chair next to mine"
Two men go fishing way out in the wilderness where they are miles from the nearest town. One man decides to go take a pee over in the brush as he's peeing a rattlesnake rears up and bites him on the head of his pecker. He yells for help and his buddy comes running. The buddy says I don't know what to do but I'm going to rush to town and find a doctor. The buddy drives as fast as he can to the nearest town and finds a doctor. The buddy tells the doctor the situation and asks what to do. The doctor says you've got to make an incision at the wound and suck out the poison. The man drives back to his friend out in the wilderness. The poisoned man asks "Well, what did the doctor say?" The buddy replies "Doctor says you're gonna die."
Guy goes into a bar. There is a caged monkey on the bar. Guy asks the bartender about it, but the bartender says to forget about it. Several hours of asking go by, so the bartender finally agrees to explain to the guy. He takes the monkey out of the cage, grabs a mallet under the bar, hits the monkey on the head and the monkey performs oral sex on the bartender. The guy says wow, that's incredible. The bartender asks if he would like to try. The guy replies absolutely, just don't hit me so hard.
Man walks into a bar. The first thing the bartender notices is that on top of the man's head is a frog which seems to be growing out of the man's head. The bartender asks "How did that happen?" The frog replies "I dunno, it started out as a wart on the bottom of my foot."
I heard this joke as a bartender and an alligator. The bartender would hit the alligator on it's back really hard with a cane. You know the rest.
Guy went to a doctor for a penis extension...said, "Doc I want it hang below my knees.....doc replied...no problem but you'll need to be knocked out..." When he woke up post surgery he discovered his legs were 2 inches long.
Little johnny's school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a 'Guess Whats Behind My Back' game. She goes to her desk and picks up a item. She says, okay class, what am I holding, it's RED, ROUND, and SHINEY. Little Johnny replies I know teacher it's an apple, The teacher replies, no little johnny, But I like the way you think. So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, it's YELLOW, and SOFT. Little Johnny replies I know teacher, it's a banana. The teacher replies, no little johnny, it's a tennis ball. But I like the way you think. At this point little johnny is furious. Okay teacher, this one's for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, It's ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD. The teacher says, Little johnny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble. Little johnny replies, for what teacher, it's just a quarter, but I like the way you think.
Man goes to the proctologist with a horrible case of puss filled infected bloody hemorrhoids. “Doctor, you gotta help me! I have this horrible case of puss filled infected bloody hemorrhoids!” “Oh my gosh! That is the most horrible case of puss filled infected bloody hemorrhoids I have ever seen! Are you in intense pain?!” “Yes doctor! Please, is their anything you can do?! Can you numb it?! “I thought you’d never ask!” NUM NUM NUM NUM
If the offering is a burnt offering from the herd, you are to offer a male without defect. You must present it at the entrance to the tent of meeting so that it will be acceptable to the Lord. You are to lay your hand on the head of the burnt offering, and it will be accepted on your behalf to make atonement for you. You are to slaughter the young bull before the Lord, and then Aaron’s sons the priests shall bring the blood and splash it against the sides of the altar at the entrance to the tent of meeting. You are to skin the burnt offering and cut it into pieces. The sons of Aaron the priest are to put fire on the altar and arrange wood on the fire. Then Aaron’s sons the priests shall arrange the pieces, including the head and the fat, on the wood that is burning on the altar. You are to wash the internal organs and the legs with water, and the priest is to burn all of it on the altar. It is a burnt offering, a food offering, an aroma pleasing to the Lord.
B B Kings wife decided for their anniversary to do something special. She went to the tattoo parlor and got a B tattooed on each cheek. When B B came home she turned around, bent over and shouted "happy anniversary!" To which B B said "who the hell is BOB?"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Guy goes into a grocery store. A woman walks up and says "you're the father of one of my children." The man thinks for a moment and replies...."oh ya, I remember. We met last year at my buddies bachelor party. You let me fuck you 10 different ways, then you stuck a finger up my ass and I came." She said "no, I'm your son's 6th grade teacher at St. Bernadette's."
