I just burned 2000 calories....remind me to never get stoned and leave chocolate chip cookies in the oven for 3 hours again!
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, “Jesus is watching you.” This time, he sees a parrot. “Who are you?” the burglar asks. “Moses,” the bird replied. “Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” the man laughed. “I dunno,” Moses answered, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results. The Doctor told him I have good news and bad news. “Good news is you have 48 hours to live,” he said to Harry. “Bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday.”
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.” St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap the unhealthy foods out of my hand.
Which reminds me what Frank Layden (former Head Coach of the Utah Jazz) once remarked: "Sometimes I get the urge to jog.....then I lay down until the feeling passes."
In a similar vein: Sometimes I get the urge to jog, but then I realize I can't outrun the mugger anyway so I just hand over my wallet.
A Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barber’s. They were both just getting to the end of their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that smelly stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a brothel!" The Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
My cousin and his fiancee were once attacked by a gang of about 7 or 8 rough looking teenagers who demanded he give them his wallet. He said "I don't just give my wallet to anyone who demands it." They started toward him and he told his fiancee to go call the police so she took off to do just that. They were about to start something when my cousin says "you'd better get out of here because the police are coming." They left. Later, after telling their story to the police, they got a call from the police saying the teens had been picked up and they had a hand gun on them. Not a joke but your joke involving a mugger triggered my memory.
I went to the gym the other day and told my trainer I wanted to be able to do the splits. He asked me how flexible I was, so I told him I could make it every day, but Tuesdays.
Geez! Reading libs telling jokes is like wasting and evening trying to get a chuckle out of the snark on SNL.
I see. I never heard of an Obamaster. Or an Obamaette. No chuckle. Like even when you used Ivanka. No one did that with Obama's daughters. I can't even remember their names.
