Seems like that was going around..... Hilarious jokes of yours there too, btw! (I have already had a couple nogs today, so maybe you and I will be the only ones to find them funny???)
I'll bet I haven't had an egg nog in over 20 years and yet no one finds my jokes funny. Since we know it can't be me, what can it be? I know, let's take the fallback position and blame Sly. Yeah, that works for me Oh master, you know I wouldn't say that unless Dougnsalem had a gun pointed at my head.
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her. I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
And the Lord said unto John, "come forth and you will receive eternal life", but John came fifth and won a toaster.
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "where the hell have you been?" "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred-dollar bill on my penis." "What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred-dollar bill on your penis?" "Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks."
A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering. "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
A guy asks his brother to watch his cat when he goes out of town. After a couple of days he calls and checks in: "How's Fluffy?" "Fluffy's dead. She got run over by a car." The guy gets mad, tells his brother: "Jesus, man, you didn't have to say it like that." "What? That's the truth. What would you have me say?" "I don't know, how about: There was a squirrel out the window, Fluffy gave chase, and fell from the roof. Something like that." A week later guy calls his brother to check in. In the course of the conversation he asks, "How's mom?" "Thing is, there was a squirrel out the window..."
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him. Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone. Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: "Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love." Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. "What happened, boy? What's all this?" "Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
A penguin is having car trouble so he stops by his local mechanic's garage and asks him to check it out. The mechanic says, "Sure, give me an hour to diagnose what's going on and we'll take it from there. The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street and decides to spend his time enjoying an ice cream sundae. The penguin enjoys his frozen treat immensely, but being none too neat of an eater ends up with melted vanilla all over his face and chest. Upon returning to the garage the mechanic tells him, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no" insists the penguin, "it's ice cream! It's ice cream!"
