A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"
I swear women can be so ungrateful. I made her breakfast in bed, and instead of thanking me all she did was yell at me and ask how I got into her house
Ok, so here's the only Middle Eastern joke ever told: Knock Knock. Who's there? IT IS YOU WHO IS WRONG! Makes me laugh every time. To do it right you have to make your eyes go wide and shout it loudly.
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said 'I wanna watch.'
A man showed up for work with his head wrapped in bandages. When asked what happened, he said, "I'm not sure. My wife and I were down at the waterfront watching the Queen Elizabeth II dock. I said to the fellow next to me. 'It never ceases to amaze me how many tugs it takes to get the old girl into her slip' and suddenly everything went dark..."
A Texan, a Californian and an Oregonian are sitting around a campfire drinking. The Texan take a chug of Jack Daniels, throws the bottle up in the air, takes out his six-shooter and shoots the bottle. He says, "Don't worry. We've got plenty of those in Texas." The Californian then chugs half of his PBR, throws it up in the air, takes out his Glock and shoots the can. He says, "Don't worry, there are plenty of those in California." The Oregonian takes out a craft micro-brew, drinks the entire beer, throws the bottle in the recycling, takes out his hunting rifle and shoots the Californian. The Texan screams, "Why did you do that?!" The Oregonian replies, "Don't worry. There are plenty of those back in Oregon."
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed a while back, Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Q. How are brussel sprouts like pubic hair? A. You push them to the side before you eat. ********* A woman walks into a bar. The bartender asks, What’ll you have. The woman says, An entendre. Make it a double. So he gives it to her.
A man and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. He picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
If Romney wins the election, we'll be going from a President the color of a catcher's glove to a President named after a catcher's glove.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away." "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
"Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher
