A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he’s about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, “Mmm… That was some good lion meat!” The lion screeches to a halt and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can” and then runs away. Over in a tree, a monkey sees everything and realizes that he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together”. So the monkey climbs on the lion’s back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, “Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”
A beloved mailman is retiring after 30 year on the same route. On his last day, families took the time to thank him. One family gave him a 12 year old bottle of scotch. A few doors down, another gave him a box of expensive cigars. And many others, cash. About done with his route he went up to a house and a beautiful blonde opened the door. Without saying a word, the woman took him upstairs to her bedroom and fulfilled every sexual fantasy the man had. After they were done, she led him downstairs where there was a glorious breakfast waiting for him. Everything he could possibly want to eat. As the mailman leaned back, exhausted from the sex and stuffed from the food, the woman handed him $1. The mailman looked puzzled and said "ma'am, that sex was wonderful, and breakfast was delightful, but what on earth is the dollar for?" The woman replied that since they hadn't lived there that long she asked her husband what to do for him. "He said fuck him, give him $1. But breakfast was my idea"
Guy comes home and tells his wife that he hates his job at the pickle factory so much he wants to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. She says "please don't," and suggests he seek mental health. Several months go by and he has never spoken about it since. One day he mopes in the door and says, "well, I did it. I hate it so much there that I unzipped my pants, whipped my dick out, and stuck it in the pickle slicer." The wife screams and says "what happened?" The man replies that he got fired. And the wife says, "no, with the pickle slicer." The man says, "oh, she got fired too"
Just to be clear, none of these are my jokes. Most are old street jokes with my, or someone elses spin on it. But I'm really happy you like them. That's what thread is for. A smile, chuckle, or outright laugh.
My wife, supposed to be my life partner, let me down last week. I was really feeling bad about myself. I told my wife that I looked in the mirror and saw a fat, ugly, old man staring back at me, and needed some words of encouragement. She said well, your eyesight is damn near perfect.
A guy is flying in a hot air balloon, and he's lost. He lowers himself over a field and calls to a guy "Can you tell me where I am and where I'm headed?" "Sure. You're at 41 degrees 2 minutes and 14 seconds North, 144 degrees 4 minutes and 19 seconds East; you're at an altitude of 762 meters above sea level, and right now you're hovering, but you were on a vector of 234 degrees at 12 meters per second." "Amazing! Thanks! By the way, do you have Asperger's Syndrome?" "I do! How did you know that?" "Because everything you said is true, it's much more detail than I need, and you told me in a way that's no use to me at all." "Huh. Are you a clinical psychologist?" "I am, but how the heck did you know that???!!??" "You don't know where you are. You don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air. You put labels on people after asking a few questions, and you're in exactly the same spot you were 5 minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist are in a room with a beautiful naked woman on the other side. A referee says "if you can reach the woman by following the rules then you can have her and your first step can be as big as you can reach but each succeeding step must be half as big as it's predecessor." The physicist thinks about it and says "you can't reach the woman." and gives up. The mathematician thinks about it and says "The physicist is right, you can never reach the woman." and proceeds to offer up a rigorous proof. The engineer thinks about it and says "The physicist and the mathematician are both correct. You can never reach the woman exactly." He then proceeds to take a giant step as he says "You can't reach the woman but you can get close enough." Engineers rule.
The difference between a mathematician and a physicist : You ask the physicist - you are in the family room and you need to make tea, how do you solve this problem? He answers - you go to the kitchen, you find the kettle, put water, boil the water, put a tea bag in a cup, sugar if needed, fill the cup with the boiled water. You ask the mathematician and he gives you the same answer. You ask the physicist - you are in the kitchen and you need to make tea, how do you solve this problem? He answers - find the kettle, put water, boil the water, put a tea bag in a cup, sugar if needed, fill the cup with the boiled water. You ask the mathematician the same question and he answers: You go to the family room, and we already solved that problem.
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her in every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes."
I tell ya I don't get no repect. When I was a boy I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”
Nice My daughter's nickname is Fed ex because when she goes on a date she absolutely positively has to be there overnight. Her yearbook picture was horizontal Before I met my wife I felt incomplete. Now I'm finished Love Rodney
A hospital administrator is walking down the hall of a new hospital to check out how things are going. A ways down the hall she sees a man masturbating. Startled, she asks the dr walking with her what was going on. The dr told her the man had a condition that required he cum 3 times a day, or his dick would explode. Accepting the answer, the administrator asks the dr to please close the man's door. On another floor she walks by a room where a nurse is giving a patient a blow job. Startled again, the administrator asks the dr. what was happening, and the dr. replied that the man had the same condition as the other man, but better insurance.
